Recommended Books

Marriage Preparation

"The Marriage Book" Nicky & Sila Lee. Quite simply the best general hand-book for any couple. It covers a host of topics including In-Laws, Communication, Forgiveness, Intimacy and a host of other relevant areas. Good for having on the shelf and dipping in and out of periodically.

"Rules of Engagement" Katherine & Richard Hill. From 20 years of marriage, some very helpful thoughts on planning the big day plus ten principles on which to build your marriage.

Relationship Enrichment

"The Five Love Languages" Gary Chapman Communication is about more than just words. Learn about the 5 Love Languages and how to communicate more effectively with your partner. This book has the potential to enhance any relationship no matter how mature. It has been described as a book about hope. It is one of the most influential books I have ever read.

"The 4 Seasons of Marriage" Gary Chapman. Relationships move in and out of seasons. The thesis of this book is that the natural seasons provide an apt analogy of the changes that occur in our marriages. Which season are you in? How did you get there? If you are in autumn or winter can you move back into spring and summer?

"Covenant Marriage" Gary Chapman. Whether you are in a healthy, affirming and loving relationship or in one that is holding together by a thread the keys to enrichment or survival are the same: improving communication and intimacy. This brilliant book is pure gold for every couple no matter how long you have been together. No marriage or relationship is beyond enriching.

"The Power of Commitment" Scott Stanley An outstanding guide to active life-long love. This book is not about merely struggling to survive but about helping you to thrive in the richness of your commitment.

In Difficult Times

"The DNA of Relationships" Gary Smalley 93% of distressed couples who read and applied the material in this book not only managed to keep their relationships intact but also reported much higher satisfaction with their relationships. Worth a look!

"Divorce Remedy" Michelle Weiner-Davis. Emergency room treatment for relationships in trouble. Very good read even if your spouse doesn't read it. "One" can make a difference.

"How to Save Your Marriage Alone" Ed Wheat. There is a recurring thread running through books on relationships and it is this - one person can make a difference. It is most definitely not easy but this short little book encourages you to consider how, gives advice from those who have tried and succeeded and tells the story of a couple called Hosea and Gomer who had a very stormy relationship.

"Hope for the Separated" Gary Chapman. Very good, practical Biblical advice on how to live and look after yourself during a period of separation whether it leads to reconciliation or divorce.

Forgiveness

"The Lost Art of Forgiving" Johann Christoph Arnold. A book of stories about people who have found the strength to forgive those who wronged them and in doing so have found peace.

"The 5 Languages of Apology" Gary Chapman / Jennifer Thomas Experiencing healing in relationships through the power of apology and forgiveness.

Money

"The Money Secret" Rob Parsons. Money issues can cause great tension in a relationship. Here is a very helpful book on handling your finances.

Sex

"Hot Love" Pat Love & Jo Robinson. A book for couples in a committed monogamous relationship. The thesis of this book is that monogamy need not mean monotony in the area of physical intimacy.

"The Language of Sex" Gary Smalley & Ted Cunningham. A very readable Christian book on experiencing sexual intimacy.

Men and Fathers

"The Sixty Minute Father" Rob Parsons. A very readable short book on being a good father. If you have little time and usually fall asleep over a book then this is ideal.

"VoiceMail - What Husbands Really Think About Their Marriages, Their Wives, Sex, Housework and Commitment" by Neil Chethik I haven't come across many books about men and marriage / relationships but this is a very good read with personal comments from amongst the 300+ men Neil Chethik had contacted in researching his work.

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Mental Illness On The Rise

Nearly 20 percent of Americans -- 44.5 million adults -- experienced some sort of mental illness over the last year, according to a new report from the U.S. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Agency (SAMHSA).

The report details state by state the percent of the population who has suffered a mental illness.

“Mental illnesses are treatable and people can recover to live full, productive lives. Unfortunately in the past year only 37.9 percent of adults with mental health problems received any type of care,” SAMHSA Administrator Pamela S. Hyde said in a statement. “The chasm between need and care is costly both in terms of personal health because of missed opportunities to prevent disability and health care expenditures related to illness such as cardiovascular disease, diabetes, and obesity.”

The report counts "mental illness" as any sort of mental, behavioral or emotional disorder that is diagnosable from the DSM-IV. The disorder must cause "substantial functional impairment" or must be defined as a serious mental illness that requires treatment.

Marriage Check Up

“A man and a woman should choose each other for life,” said Dr. George Truett, “for the simple reason that a long life is barely enough time for them to understand each other – and to understand is to love.”

Understanding is the key to true love and intimacy.

Although it is a process, you can deepen and develop your relationship along the way. Sometimes, along the path, it’s good to stop and evaluate how you’re doing as a couple.

Good maintenance prevents major breakdowns.

Here are a few questions to ask yourself  concerning your marriage:

• How can I best serve my partner?
• Am I a good listener?
• Do I really hear what my partner is saying, or am I busy thinking about how I am going to respond?
• Can we disagree agreeably?  If not, what it is that causes us to argue?
• Do I know what really pleases my partner?  Have I pursuing this?
• Do I know what really annoys my partner?  Have I been doing this?
• What are my dreams and hopes for our marriage?
• What are yours?
• How do we express our spirituality as a couple?  Are we satisfied with the present level of spiritual commitment?
• What are we not doing that we ought to be doing?
• What would it take to start doing it?
• Have I been completely honest with my partner?  About the past?  About how I am feeling?  About my activities?
• Are there any roadblocks to emotional intimacy in our marriage?  Do we know what they are?  Do we know how to get rid of them?
• Have I been making selfish demands?
• Am I willing to change?
• Do we agree on money issues?  What can we learn from each other in this area?
• Is there something wrong that needs to be confronted?
• Is there something good that needs to be celebrated?
• Do I need to take more responsibility for creating a healthy and happy home?
• Am I willing to forgive?
• Am I willing to deal with issues, rather than attacking or sulking in silence?
• What three things can I do which would bring great joy to my partner?

[from Revitalize Your Church by Mark O. Wilson]

10 Reasons I Think Your Marriage Is Going to "Make It!"

1. Because you are willing to swallow your pride and ask for help, understanding that you are NOT the first married couple that has ever had trials and struggles.
2. Because you are willing to stop pointing out all of the problems your spouse has and begin to beg God to reveal your shortcomings to you so that you can focus on the changes you need to make.  (I will focus on my responsibilities and not my “rights!”)
3. Because you will stop investing tons of time in Facebook and reruns of movies you have already seen and actually begin talking to your spouse again, you know ... like you did when you were dating.
4. Because you will listen to what the LORD says about marriage instead of listening to singles who are bitter and/or people who can’t seem to stay out of someone else’s bed!
5. Because Galatians 6:9 packs a promise that is worth holding on to!
6. Because you understand that two people who are willing to love Jesus first and then one another can overcome any problem or trial that comes their way!
7. Because you are going to commit to spending quality time together and actually date one another at least once a week ... WITHOUT the kids or the cell phone.
8. Because you are going to continually practice forgiveness towards your spouse in regards to the way they have hurt you in the past.  (If someone is unwilling to forgive a spouse for a sin or sins that have been confessed and repented of they can ultimately destroy a marriage.)
9. Because you are going to make attending and being involved in a local church a priority!
10. Because your kids need to see a godly example of what marriage looks like so that they have something to look forward to.

[By Perry Noble | Christian Post Guest Columnist]

Some Good Ways to Handle STRESS

Stress is inevitable. It walks in and out of our lives on a regular basis. And it can easily walk all over us unless we take action. Fortunately, there are many things you can do to minimize and cope with stress. Here are 10 ideas for handling stress without causing more strain and hassle.

1. Figure out where the stress is coming from. 

Oftentimes, when we’re stressed, it seems like a big mess with stressors appearing from every angle. We start to feel like we’re playing a game of dodge ball, ducking and darting so we don’t get smacked by a barrage of balls. We take a defensive position, and not a good one at that.

Instead of feeling like you’re flailing day to day, identify what you’re actually stressed about. Is it a specific project at work, an upcoming exam, a dispute with your boss, a heap of laundry, a fight with your family?

By getting specific and pinpointing the stressors in your life, you’re one step closer to getting organized and taking action.


2. Consider what you can control—and work on that.

While you can’t control what your boss does, what your in-laws say or the sour state of the economy, you can control how you react, how you accomplish work, how you spend your time and what you spend your money on.

The worst thing for stress is trying to take control over uncontrollable things. Because when you inevitably fail — since it’s beyond your control — you only get more stressed out and feel helpless. So after you’ve thought through what’s stressing you out, identify the stressors that you can control, and determine the best ways to take action.

Take the example of a work project. If the scope is stressing you out, talk it over with your supervisor or break the project down into step-wise tasks and deadlines.

Stress can be paralyzing. Doing what’s within your power moves you forward and is empowering and invigorating.

3. Do what you love. 

It’s so much easier to manage pockets of stress when the rest of your life is filled with activities you love. Even if your job is stress central, you can find one hobby or two that enrich your world. What are you passionate about? If you’re not sure, experiment with a variety of activities to find something that’s especially meaningful and fulfilling.

4. Manage your time well.

One of the biggest stressors for many people is lack of time. Their to-do list expands, while time flies. How often have you wished for more hours in the day or heard others lament their lack of time? But you’ve got more time than you think, as Laura Vanderkam writes in her aptly titled book, 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think.

We all have the same 168 hours, and yet there are plenty of people who are dedicated parents and full-time employees and who get at least seven hours of sleep a night and lead fulfilling lives.

Here are Vanderkam’s seven steps to help you check off your to-do list and find time for the things you truly enjoy.

5. Create a toolbox of techniques.

One stress-shrinking strategy won’t work for all your problems. For instance, while deep breathing is helpful when you’re stuck in traffic or hanging at home, it might not rescue you during a business meeting.

Because stress is complex, “What we need is a toolbox that’s full of techniques that we can fit and choose for the stressor in the present moment,” said Richard Blonna, Ed.D, a nationally certified coach and counselor and author of Stress Less, Live More: How Acceptance & Commitment Therapy Can Help You Live a Busy Yet Balanced Life.  Make an appointment with your counselor today!

6. Pick off the negotiables from your plate. 

Review your daily and weekly activities to see what you can pick off your plate. As Vanderkam asks in her book: “Do your kids really love their extracurricular activities, or are they doing them to please you? Are you volunteering for too many causes, and so stealing time from the ones where you could make the most impact? Does your whole department really need to meet once per week or have that daily conference call?”

Blonna suggested asking these questions: “Do [my activities] mesh with my goals and values? Am I doing things that give my life meaning? Am I doing the right amount of things?”

Reducing your stack of negotiable tasks can greatly reduce your stress.

7. Are you leaving yourself extra vulnerable to stress?

Whether you perceive something as a stressor depends in part on your current state of mind and body. That is, as Blonna said, ““Each transaction we’re involved in takes place in a very specific context that’s affected by our health, sleep, psychoactive substances, whether we’ve had breakfast [that day] and [whether we’re] physically fit.”

So if you’re not getting sufficient sleep or physical activity during the week, you may be leaving yourself extra susceptible to stress. When you’re sleep-deprived, sedentary and filled to the brim with coffee, even the smallest stressors can have a huge impact.

8. Preserve good boundaries. 

If you’re a people-pleaser like me, saying no feels like you’re abandoning someone, have become a terrible person or are throwing all civility out the window. But of course that couldn’t be further from the truth. Plus, those few seconds of discomfort are well worth avoiding the stress of taking on an extra activity or doing something that doesn’t contribute value to your life.

One thing I’ve noticed about productive, happy people is that they’re very protective of their time and having their boundaries crossed. But not to worry: Building boundaries is a skill you can learn. Here are some tips to help. And if you tend toward people-pleasing, these tips can help, too.

9. Realize there’s a difference between worrying and caring. 

Sometimes, our mindset can boost stress, so a small issue mushrooms into a pile of problems. We continue worrying, somehow thinking that this is a productive — or at least inevitable — response to stress. But we mistake worry for action.

Clinical psychologist Chad LeJeune, Ph.D, talks about the idea of worrying versus caring in his book, The Worry Trap: How to Free Yourself from Worry & Anxiety Using Acceptance & Commitment Therapy. “Worrying is an attempt to exert control over the future by thinking about it,” whereas caring is taking action. “When we are caring for someone or something, we do the things that support or advance the best interests of the person or thing that we care about.”

LeJeune uses the simple example of houseplants. He writes: “If you are away from home for a week, you can worry about your houseplants every single day and still return home to find them brown and wilted. Worrying is not watering.”

Similarly, fretting about your finances does nothing but get you worked up (and likely prevent you from taking action). Caring about your finances, however, means creating a budget, paying bills on time, using coupons and reducing how often you dine out.

Just this small shift in mindset from worrying to caring can help you adjust your reaction to stress. To see this distinction between worrying and caring, LeJeune includes an activity where readers list responses for each one. For example:

Worrying about your health involves…

Caring about your health involves…

Worrying about your career involves…

Caring about your career involves…

10. Embrace mistakes—or at least don’t drown in perfectionism. 

Another mindset that can exacerbate stress is perfectionism. Trying to be mistake-free and essentially spending your days walking on eggshells is exhausting and anxiety-provoking. Talk about putting pressure on yourself! And as we all know but tend to forget: Perfectionism is impossible and not human, anyway.

As researcher Brene Brown writes in her book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, “Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth” and it’s not self-improvement.

Nothing good can come from perfectionism. Brown writes: “Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction and life-paralysis [‘all the opportunities we miss because we’re too afraid to put anything out in the world that could be imperfect’].”

Plus, mistake-mistaking can lead to growth. To overcome perfectionism, Brown suggests becoming more compassionate toward yourself. I couldn’t agree more.

[By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.]

Fish Oil May Help Bipolar Disorder and Alcoholism

Research at the Indiana University School of Medicine disclosed a potential therapeutic benefit, at a molecular level, between fish oil, alcohol abuse and psychiatric disorders.

At the Relationship Clinic we've seen many people with mood disorders show improvement after taking therapeutic doses of high quality Omega 3 fish oil.

Now, in a multi-year study, researchers showed conclusive behavioral and molecular benefits for omega 3 fatty acid given to mice models of bipolar disorder.  The fatty acid DHA, which is one of the main active ingredients in fish oil, "normalized their behavior."

In addition, the "bipolar mice" - like many bipolar patients - love alcohol.  However on DHA found in fish oil, they drank less and "curtailed their alcohol abusive behavior." 

Read More... 

Divorce Always Hurts the Children

You may have heard the old joke about a couple in their 90s filing for divorce. When the judge asks them, "Why did you wait so long?" they respond, "We wanted to wait until the kids were dead."

In fact the only time divorce is not going to hurt your children is when they are dead. There's a myth that adult children can handle their parents' divorce and aren't hurt by it. In fact, adult children may very well be devastated by their parents divorce. They not only have to deal with the pain of their divorce, but the assumption that it shouldn't bother them. Grownups are supposed to be just that--grown up--not dependent on their families. But, especially today, young people depend on their families throughout their young adulthood, for money, advice, a place they can call home, basically a net they can fall into when life knocks them off the tightrope.

Robert Frost once said, "Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in." He expressed perfectly how much we depend on having a home when we go off into the world on our own. Just knowing it's there is profoundly reassuring, even if we don't come back home. Divorce means that home where they have to take you in is gone. After a divorce, everything you have taken for granted about your life isn't true anymore. You have to adjust your notion of your childhood to fit the new reality.

Adult children suffer a series of intense losses as a result of parental divorce. They lose their family as it has been and will never be again. While growing up children have a picture of their futures which their mother and father are part of. They will come to their weddings, be there for graduations, holidays, family visits. Divorce shatters all those expectations; any holiday or celebration becomes fraught with anxiety over which parent will come, will they bring the new mate, how will divorced parents get along, should they be separated, seated together, who should give the toast at the dinner etc?

The bedrock sense of self that children depend on to know who they are can be shaken by their parents divorce. Adult children will re-evaluate their childhoods in the light of the divorce, and come up with different versions of who they were and who they are now. They often start questioning the point of marriage and become more leery of dating and making a commitment.

The losses go on and on, separating what was once one extended family. Families split apart, take sides; children may stop seeing in laws if they take sides, or even if they don't. The logistics alone can be daunting, especially if everyone lives in different parts of the country. Mother and father are no longer one unit, no longer mom-and-dad. They have to deal with two of everything, two phone calls to keep in touch, two homes, two stepfamilies, dividing their time, trying not to make anyone jealous. Instead of being a source of comfort, parents become a source of anxiety.

Roles are reversed when there are adult children. Parents stop acting like parents and expect their kids to take care of them. Divorced parents may start telling their troubles to their children, or rely on them too much.

Adult children often get caught in the middle of a nasty divorce, with each side vying for their approval. This can be intensely painful for people who are used to relying on their parents as the bedrock of their lives. "Divorce means watching the two people we love most turn against each other and sometimes try to destroy each other--and because we are adults we are privy to every excruciating detail....They push us to take sides, manipulating us with angry phone calls and emotional e-mails. Instead of sitting down and explaining what's happening, they suck us into the middle," says Brooke Foster, author of The Way They Were; Dealing With Your Parents Divorce After a Lifetime of Marriage.

Adult children may even feel like they've lost their pasts. If they thought they had a happy childhood, they have to think again--to start examining whether or not it was really happy or they were deluded. The family history comes into question. They may even feel their parents stuck it out for them, which really can be hard to take--that makes them the cause of their parents unhappiness all those years. Foster says, "Adult children say they lost their sense of belonging. Divorce shattered their family and their concept of home. Something inside them died."

The fallout from divorce keeps reverberating over the years, with every new family event, every graduation, wedding, birth, funeral. Even caretaking a parent in their later years falls on the children, not the spouse. The notion that divorce is easy once the kids are grown is a myth. Divorce is never easy and the kids are never grown.

[By Erica Manfred]

Surprising Signs of Bipolar Disorder

Fewer than half of Americans with bipolar disorder are properly diagnosed and treated, recent research shows. Could you spot bipolar symptoms – in yourself or in someone close to you?

Bipolar disorder has been all over the headlines recently, from Charlie Sheen’s highly publicized rants leading many to suspect that the star is exhibiting “mania” (a telltale sign of bipolar disorder's emotional highs) to Catherine Zeta Jones seeking treatment for bipolar II, a milder form of the disorder. But the mental health condition goes far beyond Hollywood — and according to recent research, many people with the condition don’t even know they have it.

Fewer than half of people in the United States who show classic signs of bipolar disorder actually get diagnosed and treated, says a recent Archives of General Psychiatry report on a survey of more than 61,000 adults in 11 countries — the United States, Mexico, China, Japan, Brazil, Colombia, India, Lebanon, Bulgaria, Romania, and New Zealand. Bipolar patients in lower-income nations get even less treatment — in some cases, as few as 25 percent receive help.

Compared to the other 10 countries studied, the United States had the highest rate of bipolar disorder (4.4 percent of those surveyed fell somewhere on the bipolar spectrum). India had the lowest (0.1 percent). Overall, about 2.4 percent of those interviewed in the face-to-face survey could be classified as having bipolar disorder.

It may be buzz-worthy these days, but many people don’t fully understand bipolar disorder and the symptoms that can lead to proper diagnosis and treatment. Bipolar, also sometimes called manic-depressive disorder, is characterized by shifts from extreme highs (known as mania) to emotional lows (depression), with “normal” moods in between.

It’s bipolar disorder’s manic phase that most sets it apart from other common mental health issues, such as depression and anxiety. While many people associate mania with high energy and exaggeratedly good moods, these other key symptoms are more subtle:

Reckless spending: If a friend is blowing her paycheck on shopping sprees she can’t afford, watch out. A person in a manic phase of bipolar disorder is more likely to take big risks, including spending splurges that can lead to mountains of unmanageable debt.

Super-charged sex drive: A sudden revving up of a person's sex drive, obsessively thinking or talking about sex, or engaging in sexual encounters he otherwise wouldn’t (like a one-night stand or sex with someone he doesn't know well) are all symptoms of hypersexuality, another less-obvious mania clue.

Alcohol or drug abuse. These often go hand-in-hand with manic episodes: As many as 60 percent of people with bipolar disorder have abused alcohol or drugs at some point in their lives. Depressants such as alcohol or pain pills can send a person with mania straight into depression, while stimulants like cocaine can have the opposite effect.

Skimping on shut-eye: Little need for sleep is another red flag that a person may be having a manic episode.

[By Katie Kerns]

FREE Counseling

The Relationship Clinic is offering free counseling to tornado victims. Call for an appointment.

Donations for Tornado Victims

Starting Monday, May 2, 2011, we will provide free counseling for Alabama tornado victims.

If you would like to contribute to this effort, CLICK HERE and donate.

Thank you so very much.

Donations for Tornado Victims

Starting Monday, May 2, 2011, we will provide free counseling for Alabama tornado victims.

If you would like to contribute to this effort, CLICK HERE and donate.

Thank you so very much.