8 Ways to Help Your Bipolar Loved One Cope

Depression and bipolar disorder are family diseases. Everyone who shares a kitchen and a bathroom is affected. In fact, in his book Understanding Depression, J. Raymond DePaulo Jr., M.D., writes, "Depression ... has a much greater impact on marital life than rheumatoid arthritis or cardiac illness. One study found that only severe forms of cancer affected a family as adversely as depression or bipolar disorder.

1. Educate Yourself - Education is always the starting point. Because until the spouse or daughter or friend of a manic-depressive understands the illness, it is impossible for them to to say or do the right thing to be supportive. Do your own research by going online.

2. Learn How--and When--to Talk - As a spouse, you shouldn't say much when your loved one is clutching tissues, crying their eyes out. And you should be hesitant to speak when they are manic (not that they would let you get a word in). But when they don't want to get out of bed in the morning, you should remind them why they need to. And when they are revved up, you should be the voice of reason telling them why, for example, a spontaneous trip to New York isn't smart.

3. Make Some Rules - You know all the fire drills in primary school you prayed would happen during your pop math quiz? All those times the school administrators rehearsed what, exactly, would happen in the case of an emergency? Families of bipolar persons need those as well: plans of action for those times when the bipolar person is sick. In order to design such a strategy, the manic depressive and their loved one must compile a list of symptoms -- the equivalents of the smoke and burning smell of a fire -- and what action should accompany each, like "call the doctor." Each family will have a different list of symptoms and a different model of recovery, because no two illnesses are exactly alike.

4. Plan Even More - As part of your plan of action, you should consider what should happen when the bipolar person is very ill. "When you are dealing with a disease that has the potential to become life-threatening, the last thing you want is an improvised response to an emergency situation," writes Francis Mark Mondimore, M.D. in his book Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for Patients and Families.

5. Listen - "When people are talking," writes Rachel Naomi Remen, 'there's no need to do anything but receive them. Just take them in. Listen to what they're saying. Care about it. Most times caring about it is even more important than understanding it."

6. Go Gentle - A little kindness and gentleness toward your loved one -- especially at those times when the bipolar person feels incapable of affection and care -- go a long way to aid recovery.

7. Laugh Together - Humor heals in so many ways. It combats fear as it loosens anxiety's death grip on your heart and every other living organ. It comforts and relaxes. And recent studies indicate that humor also reduces pain and boosts a person's immune system. "Laughter dissolves tension, stress, anxiety, irritation, anger, grief, and depression," says Chuck Gallozzi of personal-development.com. "Like crying, laughter lowers inhibitions, allowing the release of pent-up emotions. After a hearty bout of laughter, you will experience a sense of well-being. Simply put, he who laughs, lasts. After all, if you can laugh at it, you can live with it. Remember, a person without a sense of humor is like a car without shock absorbers." Humor also aids communication, and if there is one thing besides education that is absolutely essential for a healthy relationship with a bipolar loved one, it's strong communication.

8. Support Yourself - Caregiving is draining. Even when you are protecting yourself with the armor of regular sleep, healthy meals, and essential time-outs from your bipolar loved one, caring for a person still takes a toll on both physical and mental health. "It can be exhausting to live with a hypomanic person and frustrating to deal with a seriously depressed person day after day," says Dr. Mondimore. "The changes and unpredictability of the moods of someone with bipolar disorder intrude into home life and can be the source of severe stress in relationships, straining them to breaking point." That's why you need support as much as your loved one. You need to talk to people who have lived with a manic-depressive, and be validated by their experiences. Spouses and family members of bipolar people should consider therapy for themselves, as a way of processing all the stress. You may also benefit from checking out support programs for spouses and loved ones of the mentally ill, like from the National Alliance for Mental Illness.

[by Therese J. Borchard]