A Marriage Prayer

Lord, help us remember when we first met and the strong Love that grew between us.

To work that Love into practical things so nothing can divide us.

We ask for words both kind and loving, and for hearts always ready to ask for forgiveness as well as to forgive.

Dear Lord, we put our marriage into your hands.

We pray this Marriage Prayer in the name of Jesus Christ, - AMEN.

[from Revitalize Your Church by Mark O. Wilson]

Grief Support Group in Fort Payne

[Click on image to enlarge.]

Is Distance Healthy in a Relationship?

The most powerful feelings of love seem to require distance. Love feels most poignant and exquisite when there is longing. Agree?

When people are in a solid, settled relationship, doesn’t the intensity of the love experience fade? And if so, why?

Art and literature are full of this same idea. How many more poems and stories and songs are written about longing and desire and painful, troubled love, as compared to those about contented, stress-free monogamy?

Is this because love is just so hard to get right?

Or is there something about the human psyche that often wants love to be hard? … something that wants and needs and creates that distance?

Freud thought that our heads contain all sorts of repressed urges and dark needs, which cause us to do harmful, self-defeating things. Looking at the choices people make in love and the painful relationships they often endure, it sure seems like Freud was right.

But I’ve learned to look for the underlying logic in the relationships people choose. I’ve come to believe that when there’s distance in a relationship, that distance isn’t an accident. The distance is serving some purpose.

• Distance allows room for fantasy.
• Distance protects privacy.
• Distance makes it possible to indulge, at least temporarily, in a mismatched or otherwise futureless relationship.
• Distance may feel safer; it may be an attempt at getting love without risking too much.
• Distance may feel familiar; it may be what you’re used to.

Can you think of other purposes?

Want Better Sleep?

Then maybe you need to get back to the basics. Remember when you were growing up your parents had a bedtime routine for you that was meant to be calming, and conducive to sleep? As a grown up, though, there's a lot you could be doing to de-rail your good night's rest.

An estimated 65 percent of Americans said they encounter sleep problems a few nights each week, according to a recent study by the National Sleep Foundation. Sleeping too little is linked with an increased risk for obesity and depression. But before you reach for a sleep aid from the nearest pharmacy, take a closer look at your nighttime routine. Some of your favorite evening rituals could be responsible for that tossing and turning. Time to get filled in, as well as turn the problem around from Marie Claire's Danielle Schloffel:

Going from Night Owl to Early Bird

Who says bedtime is just for kids? Take extra care to maintain your sleep schedule, especially on the weekends. The body responds to routine. If your bedtime is sporadic—11 p.m. some nights, 1 a.m. others—your mind won't be properly prepared to snooze on the weekdays. Another tip? If you like to stay up late and sleep in on the weekends- fine! Just do so on one night- Friday. Go to bed at a normal "weekday" time on Saturday, with maybe just a little additional time to sleep in Sunday (maybe half an hour), so that your body can adjust itself back to the weekday routine come Sunday night/Monday morning.

Bringing Books to Bed

Reading before bed is a habit for many. For some, it causes no problems in falling asleep. It could be that you hit the sack early enough to allow a certain number of chapters before it's time to sleep. That's good! No problem. But for others - a favorite literary masterpiece is keeping you up way too late. Problem is, your body has likely adapted to the routine of reading—it won't go to sleep until you've logged a couple chapters. If your favorite novel is interfering with your sleep, retreat to a comfy couch or window nook instead for your literary fix. Keep the bed for sleeping.

Facebooking into the Wee Hours

The brightness of your computer screen stimulates the brain. Plus, it's difficult for your mind to stop fretting about your digital to-do list, even after you've logged off. Avoid late-night surfing and shut down your computer. Give yourself time to wind down without any electronics - cell phones and iPods, included.

Skimping on a Good Bed

A good mattress will cost you anywhere from $500 to more than $3,000. Consider it money well spent. A decent mattress—do your homework!—will give you a more restful sleep. The same is true for quality bedding and pillows. Opt for a soft pillow if you're a back or stomach sleeper. Buy a firmer pillow if you sleep on your side.

Setting a Bright Alarm Clock

The looming glare of your alarm clock can be distracting when trying to sleep. The goal is to have as dark a room as possible. Block the bright numbers with a book or consider buying a small travel clock. Your cell phone alarm may also do the trick, and it provides a good time to re-charge it through the night.

Counting Sheep

When you just can't fall asleep, it's useless to stay in bed. If you've been trying to fall asleep for more than 30 minutes, the National Sleep Foundation suggests doing something mundane, like balancing a checkbook, reading or watching TV. An activity that demands marginal brainpower will lull your mind. Before you know it, you'll be crawling back into bed genuinely tired. Clean out something low-priority, like the sock drawer- that should be dull enough.

Exercising Late at Night

Daytime workouts will keep you invigorated for hours. That's why you don't want to exercise within three hours of hitting the sack. Intense physical activity raises your body temperature and pumps your energy level—both interrupt a calm transition into sleep.

Think today about how you can incorporate some of these ideas if you've been struggling with your sleep, and you'll be ready to try some over the weekend.

[From John Tesh]

Should I Get a Divorce?

No couple goes into marriage thinking they'll be the ones who won't make it. Certainly, at your wedding, you thought you were promising a love that would last a lifetime. Now, for reasons you may not fully understand, that dream seems shattered.

As you try to understand the pain and determine what to do, divorce may look like an appealing way out. "After all," you might reason, "life is full of second chances. Perhaps I simply married the wrong person, and Mr. or Ms. Right is still out there somewhere." You may think you were too young when you married, or that you never really loved your spouse. Or maybe you are just tired of the arguing, tired of the lack of communication, tired of the coldness in your relationship. Perhaps you simply want out – period. Or maybe you are hoping against hope that your marriage can be salvaged.

Before you bail out of your marriage, carefully consider what you'll be diving into. Most people are not prepared for the challenges of post-divorce life.

This article is designed to help you understand the effects of divorce before you make that choice, to give insight into what you – and your children – will face. By providing solid facts, we hope to help you make a more informed decision.

Be encouraged that no matter how hopeless it seems, there's a possibility your marriage can be saved. It's our sincere desire that your marriage will be transformed into the loving relationship you hoped it would be when you first said, "I do."

Read More ...

Who Gets Divorced?

How Would Divorce Affect Me?

How Could Divorce Affect My Kids?

Is There Hope for My Marriage?

How Should a Christian View Marriage and Divorce?

Dealing With the Bigger Problems in Marriage

Dr. Bill Maier on Divorce

Next Steps / Related Information

[by Amy Desai, J.D.]

5 Things NOT to Worry About in Therapy

Psychotherapy is full of both extraordinary potential benefits and some possible pitfalls. But there are some things in psychotherapy that you just shouldn’t spend too much time worrying about. They may seem important or worth worrying about, but it’s just a waste of your time, energy and focus. Here’s a few of them.

1. My therapist is judging me.

A lot of patients spend a lot of time worrying about what their therapist must think of them. That’s because you spend a lot of time sharing deep, emotional and personal stuff in therapy. Some of it may be embarrassing, or some of it may simply be out of the mainstream. Some of it may be things that happened to you as a child, that you had no control of. No matter what it is, you shouldn’t worry that your therapist is judging you. Believe it or not, most psychotherapists have seen and heard a lot of things in their careers. No matter what your story may be, it’s likely they’ve heard or seen worse.

One of the responsibilities and skills of a good therapist is to remain nonjudgmental, no matter their own personal reactions or feelings. Therapists who act or talk in a judgmental manner should be avoided.

2. Sometimes I just don’t know what to say or talk about.

You’re not alone. Virtually anyone who’s tried therapy has experienced a session where they feel hard pressed to come up with a topic to discuss. Some people — and some therapists — try and fill the void with small talk, or socializing. While this is fine if it happens on occasion, it should never be the focus of an entire session (or any significant portion of a session).

Silence is okay. Silence may be awkward at first, but it’s okay. While not every session should be full of many minutes of passing silence, it’s okay to sit quietly while you try and compose your thoughts. It’s also okay to not know what to talk about every session. That’s a normal and natural part of most psychotherapy. A good therapist will help you through this part, and in any case, it’s not something that should cause you much concern.

3. I’m not interesting enough — my therapist must be bored!

You don’t enter psychotherapy to entertain your therapist. While some people may believe they should have "interesting" things to talk about every session, that’s just not a realistic expectation — nor one that your therapist holds. You are there to get help for a specific mental health or relationship problem. Sometimes the conversations you’ll need to engage in to resolve that problem may not be very interesting. But they are all important, and you should recognize that "entertainment value" is not usually high on the list of the reasons psychotherapists enter the profession.

4. Should I know how this works? Should I feel the changes as they take place?

Psychotherapy is not like medications. You take an aspirin for a headache and the headache goes away. You go to a session of psychotherapy and you don’t immediately feel your pain relieved, your depression disappear, or your anxiety take a hike. Psychotherapy takes longer, and sometimes it’s hard to be patient, week after week of sessions.

You won’t know exactly how therapy works or when the changes will take place, as they will take place gradually, often in subtle ways. You may not feel them the same way you feel relief from a headache. You shouldn’t worry too much about this, as the process simply takes time and patience.

5. My therapist watches the clock.

Your therapist wears many hats, and one of those is as a small business person. Their commodity is time, and you’re paying for a portion of that commodity. Your therapist may indeed check the clock once in awhile because it’s in their best interests to do so and end your session on time. But surprisingly, it’s also in your best interests, too. By keeping your sessions on schedule, your therapist is also demonstrating and keeping good boundaries. The ability to keep good therapeutic boundaries is one of the indicators of a good therapist — someone who’s more likely able to help you.

So don’t be too concerned or worried if you catch your therapist glancing at the clock. It may be a little distracting, but it doesn’t mean your therapist cares any less about you. They’re just keeping the relationship professional and focused.

[By John M Grohol, PsyD]

New Year's Resolutions

To be in better health, consider the following"

Health:

1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy/
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did in 2009.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:

1. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
2. Don't have negative thoughts nor worry about things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
3. Don't over do. Set and keep healthy boundaries.
4. Don't take yourself too seriously. No one else does.
5. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
6. Dream more while you are awake.
7. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
8. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner of His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
9. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
10. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
11. No one is in charge of your happiness except you. Own your emotions.
12. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
13. Smile and laugh more.
14. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Society:

1. Call your family often.
2. Each day give something good to others.
3. Forgive everyone for everything.
4. Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.
5. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
6. What other people think of you is none of your business.
7. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:

1. Do the right thing!
2. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
3. GOD heals everything.
4. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
5. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
6. The best is yet to come.
7. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
8. Be happy.

Happy New Year!

When You Are Separated From Those You Love

"But the Lord stood at my side ...." 2 Timothy 4:17 (NIV)

The Christmas holidays tend to magnify the loneliness we feel when we're separated from the ones we love. Many of us have lost our roots, or never had any to begin with, and that can cause loneliness. We can experience the loneliness of separation because of military service, or a career, or an illness.

But the Bible tells us what we can do about our loneliness --

Focus on the needs of others - Get your eyes off yourself and focus outward. Look at how you can serve other people. The Apostle Paul focused on telling more people about Jesus: "But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it" (2 Timothy 4:17 NIV).

Focus on your purpose - Even when the Apostle Paul was isolated in a prison, he never stopped living out his purpose. He wanted everybody to know about God's love.

When you're lonely - Stop building walls and start building bridges! Instead of saying, "I'm so lonely," say, "Father, help me be a friend to people who need a friend. Help me to help lonely people." That is the antidote for loneliness.

You can help others become rich in relationships by giving them the gift of YOU.

[Rick Warren]

Tips on Dating

Rule #1: Listen to Your Gut

Whether you’re on a date, communicating with someone you meet online, or flirting with a cutie you meet in person, it’s important to pay attention and listen to your gut. If a potential date’s actions or words set off an internal alarm system, you owe it to yourself to pay attention and act accordingly. These alarms can be both good and bad. For example, how about if you’ve met someone online and they seem interesting- enough to talk on the phone, right? But then you talk to them on the phone and they sound completely different (in a negative way)- you may decide not to meet them in person. A positive example would be if you were on a date with someone and they seemed nervous but well intentioned, your gut might tell you to give them a second chance. By going on a second date, you’ll gain a better understanding of who they really are and if you’d like to see them again.

Rule #2: Pay Attention to Red Flags

Like those internal alarms that alert you to your gut feelings, you also have an alarm system to alert you to red flags. Sometimes this alarm system is turned way down. As a result, we often ignore red flags and find ourselves getting involved with inappropriate partners because we’re not paying attention. Wrong move- you owe it to yourself to become a red flag specialist- especially on a date. An example of a red flag would be if you found yourself on a date with someone who could not stop talking about their ex. They may be a fantastic person, and eventually make a great partner, but right now they’re not ready. Your job is to pay attention to that red flag and not pursue them.

Rule #3: Actions Speak Louder Than Words

During the course of your dating life you'll most likely find yourself on a date with someone whose actions speak much louder than their words. Maybe they’re attentive and chivalrous to you, but treat the waiter, bartender, and/or valet poorly. Or maybe they claim they’re ready for a long-term relationship, but their wandering eye tells you otherwise. To get the most out of your dating life, it’s important to understand that actions speak louder than words. When someone’s actions are contrary to their words, this is not only a red flag, it’s gut-check time. By paying attention and screening out potential partners whose actions don’t match their words, you cut down on wasted dating time and make it that much easier to attract potential partners worth your time and energy.

Rule #4: Don’t Play Games

Successful singles know what goes around comes around. They also know the importance of being honest and well-intentioned with the people they date. As a successful single, you owe it to yourself and the individuals you date not to play games. Call when you say you’re going to call. Do what you say you’re going to do, and be honest when the other person asks if you’d like to go out again. If you don’t want to see them again, say so in a kind and considerate way. By being honest and letting them down easy, you avoid playing games. Expect the same in return. If you don’t get it, don’t play games by taking that out on the next person you date.

Rule #5: Know When to Say “Game Over”

Just as you should not play dating games, you will want to avoid getting played. Like it or not, there are plenty of players on the dating scene. It’s up to you to know the signs of the player, know their game, and be confident enough to say “game over.” Here’s where that all important "gut-check" pays off- know how to spot a player. A little too charming? A little too self-deprecating? A player wants to engage you in the game. So call it for what it is, and instead of falling for their tactics, simply smile, say “game over,” and walk (better yet, run!) away.

[Research by John Tesh]

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,

other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed

that during the low periods of my life,

when I was suffering from

anguish, sorrow or defeat,

I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,

that if I followed you,

you would walk with me always.

But I have noticed that during

the most trying periods of my life

there have only been one

set of footprints in the sand.

Why, when I needed you most,

you have not been there for me?”

The Lord replied,

“The times when you have

seen only one set of footprints in the sand,

is when I carried you.”

by Mary Stevenson

Men's Brain -- Women's Brain