Does Divorce Matter?

In 1997, a prominent psychologist wrote an article which appeared in an American psychological journal. The author reviewed several commonly held beliefs about psychology, and one of his claims was that the brain is quite resilient to the effects of trauma. He noted that rats which had been subjected to trauma as infants developed into apparently well-adjusted adults.

A response was written to his claim in which it was noted that, unlike animals, we humans have language — along with a memory system with which to process it — and that trauma has a unique linguistic way of lingering in our unconscious minds. Humans, just like rats, may give the appearance of being well-adjusted, but, as any experienced mental health clinician has seen over and over, many of the seemingly “well-adjusted” individuals walking around in our society are tormented by inner lives of emptiness and self-destructive despair. Professor, physician, lawyer — they all say the same thing to me: “I feel like mush inside.” And most of them, as children, saw their families shattered by divorce or adultery — often the “adultery” of child sexual abuse. We take divorce so much for granted today that it is hard not to find someone who has been divorced or who has married someone who has been divorced or who has parents or relatives who have divorced. And like that prominent psychologist, we brush it off and say, “It doesn’t matter.”

But it does matter. Children need to have both a mother and a father who will protect them, care for them, teach them, and guide their feet through darkness into the way of peace. Even the trauma of losing a parent to death is less a trauma than losing a parent to divorce, for in divorce a parent essentially says to a child — and to a spouse — “My personal desires are more important to me than is your welfare. This family is nothing to me, and you are just an object to be moved around like a pawn in my self-indulgent search for happiness.” Laboratory rats have only cheese and mazes. What can they say about trauma? Children, however, have phobias, eating disorders, alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, sex, unwanted pregnancies, sexual diseases, abortion—and suicide, and guns — to “speak” about their traumas. And yet we continue to look at divorce and say, “It doesn’t matter.”

It does matter and we often need help with divorce issues. Counseling is available. Call us.

About ADHD

If you’re waiting for your child to outgrow ADHD … don’t. Approximately 60 percent of children with the condition will carry it into adulthood. Early evaluation and treatment, when appropriate, can pre-empt years of more serious problems. As the ADHD child gets older, his symptoms — and his means of coping with those symptoms — can intensify. A 10-year study currently under way has already found that young adults are at high risk for “markedly elevated rates of antisocial, addictive, mood and anxiety disorders.”

Over treatment and misdiagnosis are still problem areas. Some bioethicists believe that pharmaceutical companies are pushing their drugs, leading to medical treatment in patients who don’t need it. At the same time, a true case of ADHD is a neurobiological condition — a medical problem, not just a psychological one — and does warrant the use of prescribed medicine.

A major part of the problem is that most primary-care physicians are simply not trained yet in diagnosing ADHD. The disorder was not formally recognized as a disability until 1998, and doctors are still catching up to the ongoing research and the efficacy of treatments. Seek physicians with experience in ADHD diagnosis, and educate yourself.

ADHD is most effectively treated with a combination of medication and therapy. Prescribed medicines are effective for approximately 50 percent of the patients who need them. But even in the patients who do respond, only about half of their symptoms are relieved. The drugs won’t necessarily treat problems with organizational skills, coping socially and the overwhelming emotions associated with underachievement and failure. Cognitive psychotherapy can reach where medication does not.

It is still undetermined whether ADHD can be beat. We don’t know yet whether adult patients can be free of the condition after stopping medication and therapy. (Children may have not carried the condition into adulthood.) While on a treatment program, people do learn to relieve impairments and decrease distress. But it is unknown whether patients can maintain long-term control over symptoms on their own when the course of meds is ended.

Half of all people with ADHD have other disorders as well. Depression and anxiety are the most common conditions that “co-travel” with ADHD. These co-travelers present a major problem because they mask ADHD; physicians will often recognize and treat the mood disorder, which they’re familiar with, but miss the ADHD completely.

As in children, adults with ADHD are also more likely to have asthma. Other co-travelers, so to speak, include smoking, drug or alcohol abuse, and obesity — all of which signal ways in which people try to cope or self-medicate.

It's very real. Sure -- many people in our generation or older can remember a time back when behaviors that mirror ADHD/ADD were punished since they looked like plain, old disobedience or out of control impulsiveness. You, as parent, know your child best. But also recognize when it's not only okay, but in your child's best interest, to seek the advice of experts -- your son or daughter likely isn't intentionally trying to forget homework assignments night after night, and treatment of a perhaps previously overlooked medical condition could make a world of difference to you all.

(Research by John Tesh)

Repairing a Broken Relationship

1. Assess what's going on between you - Try to think objectively and make sure that you really want to mend the friendship. Your latest tiff may just be a sign that the relationship has been doomed for a while. Have you simply outgrown each other? That's no one's fault. People change over time and not always in the same direction. Have the same problems recurred time after time? Maybe the bad chemistry or sense of imbalance between you has become so overwhelming that it is impossible to transcend. Or -- is it something that you think you might really be able to fix? If so, proceed to Tip 2.

2. Pinpoint what happened - If it is something you said or did, or something you didn't say or do -- or if the problem was with her, talk about it. No friendship is perfect and each one has tiny kinks that need to be worked out. Communicating avoids little problems from escalating into big ones that can undermine a relationship.

3. Be the first to offer the olive branch - If you know you were in the wrong, take responsibility for your mistake. Tell your friend how important the relationship is to you and show her in some small but concrete way. Invite her to dinner or send her a card that says, "I'm sorry." If she was in the wrong, practice forgiveness. Harboring resentment towards someone has a way of bouncing back like a boomerang to hurt you (including raising your blood pressure). Let go of the disappointment. Having a shared history should provide a strong foundation that allows a friendship to weather small hurts.

4. Step back after you've tried - Be sensitive to her response. Okay, you've been thinking about how you were going to handle this fiasco, for hours or maybe even weeks and months. But you just sprung your thinking on her and she may need time to mull it over. If her answer is "No way," accept it for the moment, give it some time, and try again. If she repeatedly blows you off, you may have to accept her decision and move on.

5. Don't necessarily view endings as a failure - Friendships have beginning and endings. Ones that last forever are more likely to be the topic of novels and television scripts. Sometimes, people breathe a sigh of relief after an ambivalent or toxic friendship is over.

Friendships are wonderful and life affirming. But keep in mind that just as is the case in most relationships that really mean something to us, the ones that have a chance at surviving the test of time (as well as stresses and arguments!), our friendships will not flourish being left on a shelf with no care coming from us. They require effort. And if we're lucky, each one provides us with new wisdom so they get better and better!

(by John Tesh)

Counseling Women

Women today face the challenge of trying to meet everybody else’s needs, often ignoring their own needs. They may find that they try to be the perfect wife, mother, employee, etc., and still ...

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Does God Expect Me to Stay Married to a Jerk?

Years ago, a family therapist was asked, “What are the top three causes of divorce?” to which he replied, “Selfishness, selfishness, selfishness!” Of course this is an oversimplification of the varied and many contributing factors to divorce but there is an element of truth in this statement that permeates each.

At the core of all that ails the human race is selfishness: this innate love of self-self-worship-or pride. We alienate ourselves from one another when we elevate our desires, our opinions, and our feelings above others. We cheat and steal because we want, we lie and deceive because we give priority to our self-interests, we murder-in actuality or with words-because our puny sense of supremacy is threatened. This is the very sin that separates us from God: our love of self over and against the Father. In short, we are deplorably selfish beings consumed with satisfying our own appetites and desires, often without regard for anyone else.

This is the dreadful state in which the Lord finds us-and despite our active resistance to his rightful rule in our hearts, our thoughts, and actions, he lovingly subdues our rebellious pride with his grace and mercy. He saves us from eternal alienation that our stubborn resistance brings! The old man, so infatuated with himself, is crucified and buried with Christ; we are raised to a new life in Christ (see Romans 6:4). However, this new life doesn’t just happen. Our will, which was once in bondage to sin, has been freed to pursue godliness in obedience to Christ through faith. Paul, writing to the church at Ephesus, tells us that we are to be taught to cast away our “old self” and “to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness” (Ephesians 4:22–24, NIV). C. S. Lewis summed it up in saying, “To become new men means losing what we now call ourselves” (Mere Christianity).

The clearest clue to what this new self looks like is given in Paul’s letter to the Philippians when he writes, “Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness” (Philippians 2:5–7, NIV). This is a radical departure from our selfish nature into one that denies self even in the face of offense. This same nature is, of course, the foundation for marriage-but also all relationships.

In Ephesians, Paul lays out the foundation of marriage as being rooted in a mutual love and submission, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord” and “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:22, 25, NIV). Notice also that Paul begins this chapter with the charge to “Be imitators of God,” another reference to the disposition described in Philippians chapter two. Later in his letter to the Ephesians, Paul compares this joining of two people into “one flesh” to that of Christ and his bride, the church (see Ephesians 5:32). Thus marriage-this “profound mystery,” according to Paul-transcends anything resembling a mere contractual obligation. Nor is marriage simply a self-serving means to personal happiness; Christian couples should strive for and display this self-denying disposition.

Another aspect that should govern Christian marriage is the doctrine of God’s sovereignty.

Do we believe that when we suffer, we suffer outside the will of God, or do we believe that God allows suffering to enter our lives for his good purpose? Isn’t there the expectation that we, too, will share in the sufferings of Christ, that “we must through many tribulations enter the kingdom of God” (Acts 14:22, NKJV)? While we do not eagerly seek to suffer, don’t we believe that suffering bears sweet fruit nourished by bitter tears and that such fruit is nothing less than holy character (see Romans 5:2–4)? If we believe that God in his providence causes everything to “work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28, NLT), then wouldn’t it be reasonable to conclude that such suffering may also come in the form of a troubled marriage?

That being the case, wouldn’t we be expected to persevere rather than seek escape, trusting God for both endurance and the outcome? It is here-in the domain of our so-called domestic happiness-that we may be tempted to draw a boundary, saying, in essence, “Lord, you may come this far but no farther.” It is often in this context that the old self returns in an effort to assert his rights: “I need, I want, I deserve!” However, the Christian is compelled to lay down these rights and instead trust in God, believing that his grace is indeed sufficient in all things including an oppressive and loveless marriage. It is here that the Christian patiently endures, trusting the Lord for the grace to do so, and hopes for a future where God may be pleased to set things right.

Please do not think I am suggesting that the person suffering physical abuse remain in a situation whereby he or she is subjected to physical harm. I am not! However, that is a topic for another time, as I am presently addressing divorce for no other reason than the failure to achieve personal “happiness.” This is where we Christians either begin to differ from the world or remain worldly. The Christian life does not culminate in a quest to be happy but to be holy!

If our attitude is to be the same as that of Christ Jesus, then consider how Jesus responds to his frequently unfaithful bride, the church. Every one of us has, at some point, been unfaithful to Christ; we have wantonly rebelled against him, we have been indifferent, even abusive in our disregard toward him. We have all failed to love him at times and we constantly put our needs ahead of his. And yet Jesus never says to us, “That’s it, I’ve had it! I will not take this abuse anymore; you are selfish and uncaring; you don’t love me or make me feel special, so I am out of here!” Can you imagine these words coming out of the Savior’s mouth? Never!

So it is to be with us. For those poor souls who walk in darkness, there is no chance of assuming the self-denying character of Christ; but for those whom Christ has made alive, there is the all-sufficient well of grace. It is to Christ that the Christ-follower must go with his “irreconcilable differences,” not to the courts. It is only Christ who reconciles the unrighteous with the righteous and it is Christ that can reconcile husband and wife.

The question for the church is this: Will we truly trust him in all things, including while we suffer marital maelstroms? Will we follow Christ when it is most difficult? If we won’t, then not only will we fail in our witness, we will never know the freedom of living by faith.

[By S. Michael Craven, Christian Post Guest Columnist]

Today's Quote

"The conflict and indifference between religion and psychology is a curious state of affairs. Although both clergy and practicing psychologists are involved in counseling relationships and interested in emotional and behavioral outcomes among those with whom they work, they generally appear to do so in isolation without much guidance from each other."- Thomas Plante

Today's Quote

"Do you realize that the common denominator in all your bad relationships is you?"

10 Stress Busters

1. Simplify - Cut your to-do list in half. How? Ask yourself this question after every item: Will I die tomorrow if this doesn't get accomplished? I'm guessing you'll get a lot of no's. I'm sure Franklin Covey has a more efficient and elaborate system. But here's mine: Every morning I immediately jot down my to-do list. Once I experience the first heart palpitation, the list gets cut in half.

2. Prioritize - Let's say you've got five huge work projects due next week, two Cub Scout commitments you promised your son, your mom's overdue taxes on your desk, your wife's 40th birthday celebration to plan, and your sister's computer to fix. What do you do? You record all the tasks on a sheet of paper or on your computer and you give each one a number between 1 and 10: 10 being the most important (life threatening) to one (stupid bloody thing I signed up for). Start with the 10s. If you never get beyond the 8s, that's okay!

3. Use Pencil, Not Pen - If you rely on your to-do list as much as I do, then you'll want to start using pencil instead of pen. Because one important stress buster is to try to stay as flexible as you can. Things change! And change is not our enemy, even though our brain categorizes it as such. You want to be able to erase a task or reminder at any time, because who the heck knows what your day will be like.

4. Give Away Your Cape - If you haven't already guessed by now, you are not a superpower and don't possess supernatural qualities and capabilities. I'm sorry, but you're going to have to join the race ... the human race. Which means surrendering to limitations and conditions--like the number of hours in a day (24) and the amount of time it takes to get from point A to point B. In your car. Not in your bat mobile.

5. Collaborate and Cooperate - There are lots of people out there with to-do lists that look very similar to yours. Why not let them do some of your tasks so that you all don't have to do them? The moms around me have mastered this concept, as they have set up a babysitting co-op: one mom volunteers to watches a neighbor's kid and by doing so earns babysitting points that she can redeem when a neighbor watches her kids. In the blogging world, I have begun to collaborate with some other mental-health writers so that we all don't have to scan the same media outlets for depression-related stories. If I catch something I send it to them, and vice versa. It's an effective system.

6. Laugh - Just as chronic and severe stress can damage organic systems in our body, humor can heal. When people laugh, the autonomic nervous system mellows out and the heart is allowed to relax. Laughter can also boost the immune system, as it has been found to increase a person's ability to fight viruses and foreign cells, and reduce the levels of three stress hormones: cortisol, epinephrine, and dopac. Plus it's just fun to laugh. And having fun is it's own stress buster.

7. Exercise - Exercise relieves stress in several ways. First, cardiovascular workouts stimulate brain chemicals that foster growth of nerve cells. Second, exercise increases the activity of serotonin and/or norepinephrine. Third, a raised heart rate releases endorphins and a hormone known as ANP, which reduces pain, induces euphoria, and helps control the brain's response to stress and anxiety. You need not to run a marathon or complete an ironman. A quick stroll in the morning or in the evening might be just enough to tell the stress hormones in your blood to scatter.

8. Stop Juggling - I realize some multi-tasking is inevitable in our rushed culture. But do we really have to simultaneously cook dinner, talk to Mom, help with homework, and check e-mail? If you were an excellent waiter or waitress in your past or present, then skip this one. However, if you have trouble chewing gum and walking at the same time like I do, you might try your best to concentrate on one activity at a time.

9. Build Boundaries - Speaking of activities, get some boundaries, ASAP -- meaning designate a place and time for certain things so that your brain doesn't have to wear so many hats at the same time. I thought this was impossible as a mom who works from home until I made myself abide by some rules: computer is off when I'm not working, and computer stays off in the evening and on weekends. My brain adjusted nicely and appreciated the notice of when and where each hat was required, and it actually started to relax a tad.

10. Think Globally - I don't say this to induce a guilt trip. No, no, no. Because guilt trips compound stress. What I mean here is a simple reminder that compared to other problems in our world today -- abject poverty in Somalia or Cambodia -- the things that we stress about are pretty minor. In other words, if I shift my perspective a little, I can see that there are far worse dilemmas than my poor royalty figures on a few books. Put another way: Don't sweat the small stuff, and most of it is small stuff.

[By Therese J. Borchard]

Contact Information

Relationship Clinic
216 Gault Avenue North
Fort Payne, Alabama 35967
888-605-0215 (Toll Free)
256-845-7920 (Voice)
256-845-7820 (Fax)

256-418-0620 (Dr. Brock)

DGBrock@aol.com

arlene@arlenemcfarland.com

Dr. Arlene McFarland

http://www.relationshipclinic.blogspot.com/

http://sites.google.com/site/relationshipclinic/

Can Divorce Make You Sick?

A few weeks ago, I was astonished to find Time magazine exposing how the collapse of marriage harms women, children, and the poor. No Christian could have made the prudential arguments for marriage more impressively.

Not to be outdone, the New York Times has just run a piece announcing that divorce can make you sick - sometimes for the rest of your life.

The Times described the findings of a study of more than 8,600 people in their 50s and 60s. The study sought to determine how divorce, widowhood, and remarriage affected their health. The authors’ conclusion: “The physical stress of marital loss continues long after the emotional wounds have healed.”

Among the divorced and widowed, men and women alike reported “about 20 percent more chronic health problems” including diabetes, cancer, and heart disease, than people who stayed married.

Even when people remarried, they had 12 percent more health problems than those who stayed married to their first spouse. The study revealed that “most married people who became single never fully recovered from the physical declines associated with marital loss,” the Times said.

The study was authored by University of Chicago sociology professor Linda Waite, an expert on marriage and divorce. Waite is the co-author, with Maggie Gallagher, of the book, The Case for Marriage: Why Married People Are Happier, Healthier, and Better Off Financially. In this book, the authors note that divorced, single, and widowed people are “far more likely to die from all causes,” including stroke, car accidents, murder, and suicide. Perhaps this is part of the reason God says in Malachi, “I hate divorce.”

The Times is quick to claim that staying in a bad marriage can lead to physical problems, too. But it’s good news that major news outlets are writing articles like this. For decades, they have trumpeted the idea that divorce harms nobody, that children do just fine without fathers, and that we should all just do whatever makes us happy, maritally speaking, that is.

But now the problems of marital breakdown - and failure to form families in the first place - have become so severe that not even news outlets hostile to Christian teachings can deny it.

Articles that reveal the damage of living outside of God’s design for us offer a great opportunity for the Church. I have long taught that only Christianity offers a reasonable system for how we are to live in the real world. Every day, it seems, we have more tragic evidence of the truth of that belief-provided by believers and non-believers alike who violate God’s design.

You and I need to reach out to neighbors who have been taken in, and harmed, by secular teachings about marriage and divorce. We should befriend them, find ways to meet their needs, and invite them to church.

Those who have suffered the consequences of false worldview teachings may well now be open to Christian teachings-and how well they match up with health and happiness. And having learned this, they may be open to learning more about, and following, the loving Maker of these rules.

The test of any worldview is, can you live with it? When it comes to marriage, we now have scientific evidence that living outside of God’s plan can literally make us sick.

[by Chuck Colson]

Identifying Drug Abuse

Identifying if a loved one is abusing drugs or alcohol is the first step in getting them to recovery. It is not always easy to be sure, especially in today's world – prescription drugs represent the most widely abused drugs in America today.

People abusing drugs tend to lie about their usage. Using a home drug testing kit can be difficult and embarrassing.

Products can be purchased on the internet that obscure positive test results. A family member may be doctor shopping and convince you that all the drugs they are taking are prescribed, easing your concerns – yet they may be addicted.

It can be difficult to be sure, yet the life of a friend or family member may utterly depend on you correctly identifying their drug or alcohol abuse. Once the problem is out in the open, it can be addressed.

Signs of drug abuse are listed below for most drugs abused in our society today:

Opiate Abuse

Opiates include heroin, morphine and a range of prescription drugs. Oxycontin, Dilaudid, Percoset, Percodan and Oxycodone all fall under the category of opiates. Whether they are bought on the street or are prescribed, the symptoms of abuse will be the same.

A person on opiates will have constricted pupils that look like pinpoints or small dots. If the method of ingestion is sniffing, the nostrils may appear raw or red. If the method of ingestion is by injection there will be needle marks in the arms, behind the knees or the ankles.

Heroin users have been known to inject themselves under the tongue, or directly into open sores. These locations are not as easy to detect.

Opiates affect people in different ways: some may get very "hyper" (active or frantic) and run around working or looking busy while others get very lethargic (nodding or doping off). The person may go around asking others for money. This will not be small change for cigarettes, but more like $20 or $40 here or there.

Amphetamines and Cocaine Abuse

Amphetamines include meth bought on the street and Adderal, which is prescribed. There are other amphetamine type prescription drugs, such as Ritalin, which can be abused.

The symptoms of those on cocaine and methamphetamine are similar and are listed below.

A person on cocaine or speed will usually have glassy eyes and very, very large pupils. They may try to hide this condition by constantly wearing sunglasses or other dark glasses.

The behavior will be erratic. A person on cocaine or amphetamines cannot relax or confront and is restless.

One will observe uncharacteristic activity, irritability, nervousness or aggression. Remember, stimulants speed up the body's functions and the person may have trouble sitting still, remaining inactive or controlling his or her temper. For this reason, there may be long periods without sleeping. The body, quickened by the chemicals, avoids sleep for extended periods of time. The person may exhibit this tendency of insomnia and then "crash" and sleep for similarly long periods of time.

The person will tend to move fast and ramble or be non sequitur in conversation-jumping from one topic to another. He or she will also experience "cotton mouth" and may drink inordinate amounts of water to satiate thirst and constantly be licking the lips.

There may be constant sniffing despite the lack of a cold or allergies.The person might exhibit unexplainable changes in appetite or weight. Stimulants diminish the user's appetite (which is why they are found in diet pills.) One might see a sudden lack of interest in food.

Aside from the physical signs of abuse, a person may show other signs by often borrowing money in odd increments (like $20, $30, $40). Other signs may be overuse of the person, or significant other's ATM card - like financial transactions taking place a few hours apart, several times per day - this pattern might be carried on through the night until the following morning.

Marijuana, Pot Abuse

People on marijuana, pot, hash or hash oil will have irritated eyes. They may be bloodshot or appear to have a dazed or expressionless appearance and will also experience dry lips and "cotton mouth."

They can walk around in a daze or euphoric stupor, staring out into space or at nothing, and may go into fits of laughter or laugh when there is nothing to laugh about.

Marijuana has a strong, pungent, virtually unmistakable odor. It's long lasting and difficult to mask. This is a telltale sign that a person has either smoked marijuana or it has been smoked in his or her presence. The person may attempt to eliminate this sign by putting clothes in the wash immediately upon coming home or taking a quick shower before being around other people.

LSD Abuse

A person who has taken LSD or other psychedelics will manifest glassy eyes and have a blank, vacant stare.

There will be inappropriate and extended interest in common objects -for example, examining an ashtray or a drawing for a long time, turning it, viewing it from different angles. The person may also have a similar interest in body parts, such as a finger, hand or food. Conversation tends to be esoteric, like a "head trip." And they will hallucinate.

A person on LSD will experience anxiety for no apparent reason. PCP users may experience sweating episodes, salivate heavily and have flushed skin. They may have dilated pupils and may be inexplicably high-strung.

Depressants - Alcohol Abuse

A person under the influence of depressants such as barbiturates or Valium may act intoxicated (slurred speech, stumbling gait, droopy eyes, etc).

Depressants slow down the body's functions, which may prompt unwarranted sleep episodes. There will be a pronounced tendency to fall asleep in unusual situations such as at dinner and the person will show signs of overall listlessness.

Alcohol can be detected on the breath. A user may attempt to mask it with extraordinary use of mints, mouthwash or even garlic. Speech will be slurred.

Watch for drawn-out speech and rambling, sometimes illogical talk. Symptomatic of alcohol abuse are headaches and nausea. Watch for telltale signs of hangover, disinterest in breakfast, late sleeping and an overall grouchiness throughout the day.

In all instances of substance abuse, watch for a tendency on the part of the abuser to refrain from and shun conversation and face-to-face meetings with others. You are watching for behavior that represents a somewhat dramatic change in character from previous experience.

Inhalents

An inhalant abuser may leave evidence of paint or glue on their face. There will be a runny nose and eyes and inappropriate drowsiness. The odor of the substance inhaled will be on the abuser's clothes or body. They might try to not give themselves away by attempting to walk slowly and straight, but this effort is very obvious.

There is help. You do not have to face this alone.

Money Management

The number two cause of divorce in America today is finances. Managing your money is a lot harder than it used to be.

You have to make a lot more decisions than folks did a generation or two ago, and be much more up on your financial toes than your grandfolks perhaps did.

Instead of one health plan, you may need to choose from half a dozen- if you can afford coverage at all. Instead of an employer-provided traditional pension, you have to manage your own 401(k) and figure out not only how much to save but how to invest- without losing it all.

Instead of a single credit card with a relatively low rate- all that was available to most households in the 1970s- you probably have a wallet full of options, all with different rates, terms and due dates to monitor.

Fortunately, technology is riding to the rescue. I love the advice from MSN Money's Liz Pulliam Weston, and she's rounded up - again! - totally - make-great-sense tips for having an easier time managing your finances. Used properly, it can help you stay on top of your money with minimal effort. Liz spells out these tips in her book "Easy Money: How to Simplify Your Finances and Get What You Want Out of Life", and could go a long way towards helping you streamline your financial life:

Simplify and De-Clutter

Use direct deposit. This should be a no-brainer, but many people who are eligible for direct deposit of their paychecks don't ever sign up. Perhaps it's an irrational fear of electronic transactions holding them back, but they should get over it. Direct deposit is easier, faster and safer than running around with a live check in your wallet.

Get true overdraft protection. Real overdraft protection links your checking account to a savings account, line of credit or credit card. Money is drawn from one of these sources if you write a check or initiate a debit card transaction for more than you have in your account. The annual cost is reasonable -- $20 to $50 is typical -- and you may pay another small fee anytime you use the overdraft.

What you don't want is "courtesy overdraft" or "bounce protection" that many banks and credit unions automatically offer their customers. That "service" can cost you $30 to $40 every time you make an over-limit transaction, and those fees can add up quickly. Take as example someone who racks up more than $200 in bounce fees buying songs for an MP3 player; because of an overdraft- even by a mere dollar! - each 99-cent tune could trigger a $30 fee. Be very careful navigating around overdraft protection; in the end, your bank will profit from the "courtesy" extended toward you.

Consolidate your accounts. Clutter isn't limited to the tangible stuff in your home. You also can create financial clutter when you have accounts all over the place. Too many accounts make it harder for you to adequately monitor your money, and you may pay more account fees than if you were able to maintain higher balances in fewer accounts.

For example, you could:

• Roll 401(k)s from previous employers into your current plan or into an individual retirement account (IRA).
• Combine IRAs as long as they're the same kind and they're all yours. You can't combine yours with a spouse's, for example, or combine regular IRAs with Roth IRAs -- at least not without serious financial consequences.
• Combine taxable brokerage accounts. If you have different goals for the various accounts you have now, you could consider maintaining separate accounts but at least consolidating them with the same brokerage house.

Trim your credit cards. The more cards you use, the more due dates and interest rates you're forced to monitor. If you pay off your balances in full, consider carrying just one card in your wallet, with another at home as a backup. If you're carrying credit card debt, consider leaving all your cards at home. Don't close accounts, since that could hurt your credit scores, but stop using them until you've retired your debt.

Consider two checking accounts. Consolidation isn't always best. If you have trouble figuring out how much money you can spend and how much needs to be reserved for bills, consider a two-account system.

Folks who utilize a two-account system typically have their paychecks deposited to a checking account at a brick-and-mortar bank -- often one that offers free checking if you use direct deposit. They have a second checking account they use to pay bills. If they can't get the second account free from their bank, or their bank doesn't have free online bill pay, they use an online bank, such as ING Direct, that offers fee-free checking and bill-pay services.

Next, they total all their bills for the year, using the previous year's bills as a guide, and divide the result by the number of paychecks they get each year. They set up automatic transfers so that this sum is whisked every payday to the second account.

Some go further by setting up automatic payments for most or all of their bills. Others prefer to control when bills get paid using the online bill-pay system that comes with their second account.
This two-account system takes a little effort to set up and monitor, but done right you'll eliminate uncertainty about whether you can cover your bills. What's left in the first account is the cash that's available for spending on clothes, eating out, etc.

A Schedule for Success

Set up a high-yield savings account. Saving for retirement and paying off credit card debt need to be the first and second priorities for most folks. Once you're on track there, though, you should consider building up an emergency fund, and today's high-rate online savings accounts can help you accomplish that. Accounts offered by ING Direct, Emigrant Direct and HSBC Direct, among others, are FDIC-insured and offer attractive rates. They typically link directly to your checking account at your brick-and-mortar bank. Set up automatic transfers so you don't have to think about saving -- you just do it.

Create alerts. Banks, brokerages and credit card companies will send you e-mails to alert you to all kinds of events: when your checking account drops below a certain level, for example, or when your credit card payment is due. Get online access to your accounts and explore the possibilities.

Move your due dates. If you have too many bills falling due at the same time, see if you can shift some to another time of the month. Many credit card companies, for example, will allow you to pick your own due dates.

Create a bill calendar. Even if you have e-mail alerts, you still should have all of your bills' due dates mapped out on a calendar. This can be a calendar on the wall, on your desktop or on your phone. The only requirement is that it be a calendar you look at daily. You're responsible for paying your bills even if you don't receive a statement, and this calendar can help make sure you don't wind up paying unnecessary late fees or inadvertently ruining your credit. (A single skipped payment on a credit account can knock nearly 100 points off your credit scores- what a big YUK.)

Pick the no-brainer options. If you really love picking individual stocks or researching the heck out of your mutual fund choices, go with that. If you want an easier route, though, seek out funds that do the heavy lifting for you. "Life cycle" and "target date maturity" funds not only choose the investments but re-balance them regularly so you don't have to mess with figuring out how much of your 401(k) to put in stocks and how much in bonds.

Don't Procrastinate -- Aggregate

Monitor your money. People who wait for their statements to arrive in the mail typically catch fraud later than those who monitor their accounts online, according to Javelin Research & Strategy, an online research firm. Real-time access to your accounts can help you prevent overdrafts and over-limit fees, too. You can try bouncing from site to site to check all your accounts, but you have better options.

Your bank may offer account aggregation, which allows you to view accounts held at other institutions. If you're comfortable having your transactions aggregated online, you can use sites such as Wesabe, Mint and Yodlee.

Many people would prefer personal-finance software programs like Microsoft Money and Quicken. These programs, which live on your computer rather than online, allow you to automatically download transactions and keep track of your finances while providing some powerful financial-planning software. Recent updates have vastly improved cash-flow-forecast features, which can show you in advance when your checking account is about to run on fumes. (Microsoft is the publisher of MSN Money.)

Each of these 10 options requires some upfront effort on your part, but after your systems are in place you'll be able to stay on top of your money in just a few minutes a week. If that isn't a worthwhile goal, I don't know what is, and what if you could have a little more "me-time", instead of "bill-time"? Sounds pretty good.

[John Tesh]