Things to Forget - Things to Remember

Things to Forget:

The bad stuff someone said about you.

The time you were overlooked or excluded.

The wonderful things you did for someone (which should have been noticed.)

How great (perfect) you are.

That you were right (I told you so!).

How bad "they" treated you.

Why you deserve to be first (or other special treatment).

Your grudges.

Your pet peeves.

The time someone disappointed you.

Your self-centered notions.

Things to Remember:

To say "Thank You".

To express your love and affection.

The gestures of kindness others have shown to you.

That any success you achieve is due, at least in part, to others.

That God answers prayer.

That you are not God, so you don't have to control everything.

To do your homework.

To lend a helping hand.

That persistence pays off.

What brings true happiness (things money can't buy).

To seize the day and make the most of the moments.

[from Revitalize Your Church by Mark O. Wilson]

How to Stay in Love

Our society is obsessed with falling in love.

Just watch any romantic comedy or listen to most love songs, the focus on love these days leans heavily toward falling in love. This isn’t surprising though is it? I mean what’s the prerequisite for falling in love?

A pulse. That’s about it.

Truth be known while we’re all naturally equipped to fall in love, most of us are ill equipped to stay in love.

I once heard Andy Stanley say, “The foundation for staying in love is to make love a verb.”

Jesus himself said, John 13: 34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.”

This is cool. Do you see what he did? He takes a word we use as a noun and he makes it a verb. He’s essentially saying love isn’t something you find but something you do.

See we think we want to feel our way into an action. If I feel in love then I’ll be loving.

Jesus taught that actually it’s the opposite. You don’t feel your way into an action. You act your way into a feeling. Act loving, be loving, then you’ll feel love.

And that my friends is how I think you not only fall in love, but stay in love.

[from Without Wax by Pete Wilson]

Is your marriage struggling?

Rejoicing in Reconciliation from World Impact TV on Vimeo.

Open Letter Concerning Pre-Marriage Counseling

"My wife and I didn't need premarital counseling.

"You see, we were special. We rarely fought. In fact, we loved everything about each other—right down to the silly little quirks others might find annoying. Plus, we were madly in love! Maybe counseling was necessary for those other couples—the ones that didn't love each other as much as we did. But we were fine. The intensity of our affection was more than enough to carry us through the challenges of married life.

"Unfortunately, my future in-laws failed to grasp our exceptional status; they insisted on two months of counseling before we walked down the aisle.

"I'm glad that they did. It turned out we weren't so unique after all. In counseling we unearthed differing expectations and caught a helpful glimpse at some of the challenges of living together. We discovered invaluable relationship skills that came in handy, especially once the euphoria of new love began to fade. Turns out everyone needs premarital counseling."

Premarital Counseling is designed to help you reflect on counseling goals, learn creative exercises, and consider the "touchy" situations of marriage with resources. Call the Relationship Clinic before taking another step.

In an Affair? ... Now What?

It started innocently enough. You connected on FaceBook with an old boyfriend or girlfriend (isn’t technology wonderful?) — or started meeting regularly for lunch or drinks with a colleague from the office. You felt the chemistry, but you weren’t going to act on it. And since “nothing” was going on, you didn’t need to tell your spouse. But now you can’t deny it any longer. Whether your relationship has become physical or remains technically just a friendship, you know that you are in deep. You don’t want to hurt your spouse, but you are sure that ending your affair would break your heart.

At times like these, it can help to know something about human nature. When people feel intense emotions, the parts of their brains that process emotions become more active. Meanwhile, the logical parts of their brains remain relatively inactive. The result? People find ways to make sense of, and support, their emotional state; and it’s incredibly difficult to challenge this emotionally driven thinking.

When someone is having an affair, this kind of thinking intensifies the passion of their new love while also magnifying the inadequacies of their spouse, or their current “real” life. They can try to argue with themselves about how they shouldn’t feel as they do and how pursuing the affair is not a good idea, but that approach usually leaves them feeling a stronger “need” to pursue it. Still, the guilt about doing this can also be overwhelming.

So, if you are caught in this dilemma, what can you do? The first step is to fully acknowledge it. Trying to pretend that a budding love doesn’t exist, or isn’t that strong, will only send your awareness of it underground; where it will influence you without your even realizing it. You will likely find yourself the victim of a surprise attack; I was avoiding her and was okay with that, but then she needed my help with something, and, well… The next thing you know, you are thinking this must be fate. If, instead, you admit to your feelings and look squarely at the problem, you can begin to address it.

Addressing it means, in part, admitting that your thinking is clouded by strong emotions. With this acknowledgment, you are choosing to lead with your head and not your heart. You can consider your values and at least try to correct for the bias of your emotionally driven thinking. This doesn’t mean ignoring your emotions, but rather considering them with the perspective of what’s best for you in the long run. Remember, after all is said and done, after your heart’s fluttering has subsided, you will need to be able to wake up every morning with the results of your actions — so consider them carefully.

Think about your marriage vows and how important they are to you. Think about the effects of continuing an affair on your thoughts and feelings about yourself, as well as on your spouse, children, new love, and anyone else involved.

Many people want to savor their new love, but still have strong incentives to work on their marriage. They want to strive to be happy again with their spouse, not disrupt their lives (for themselves and their children), and do the right thing. But they also ultimately want to be assured of having romantic love in their lives if their efforts at reviving their marriage fail. The dilemma is understandable. However, holding onto both relationships simply does not work. It can’t. Honestly working on a relationship means giving yourself wholeheartedly to it.

[by Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD, WebMD.com]

Is your HDL helping or hurting your risk for Alzheimer’s disease?

You probably know that having high levels of HDL (high-density lipoprotein) cholesterol has been associated with a reduced risk for heart disease, but did you know that it may also reduce your risk for Alzheimer’s disease?

A study published in the December 2010 issue of the Archives of Neurology found that having high levels of HDL (defined as a level greater than 55) is associated with lower risk for late-onset Alzheimer’s disease.

This is great news! But what can you do if your HDL is low? Here are 5 very simple things you can do to increase your HDL, and they will boost your brain function at the same time. How cool is that?

1. Get moving. Regular aerobic or interval exercise can increase your HDL in as little as two months. I recommend Burst Training, which is a form of interval training that is so simple anyone can do it. You can find a Sample Burst Training workout in my upcoming book The Amen Solution.
2. Lose weight. Even dropping a few pounds has been shown to boost HDL levels. If you need help shedding the extra weight, then you’re going to love the new program I’m going to be introducing soon. It will hold your hand through the process and help you every step of the way.
3. Quit smoking. Duh. Smoking lowers your HDL and constricts blood flow to the brain.
4. Pump up your intake of omega-3 fatty acids. Eating more wild salmon, walnuts, DHA-enriched eggs, and avocados can increase HDL, as can taking an omega-3 supplement.
5. Go low-glycemic. Eating too many refined carbohydrates and simple sugars can lower HDL. Stick with complex carbohydrates that are low-glycemic and high in fiber.

[from Amen Clinics by Dr. Amen]

A New Study Shows a Link Between Suicide and Children of Divorce

Children with divorced parents are at an increased risk of suicidal thoughts, with boys especially vulnerable to the effects of marital breakups.

These new findings were revealed by the recent study, “Suicidal Ideation Among Individuals Whose Parents Have Divorced,” conducted by Esme Fuller-Thompson, a professor at the University of Toronto.

Using a sample of 6,647 adults, 695 of whose parents had divorced before they were 18, Fuller-Thompson found that men from divorced households were three times as likely to have seriously considered suicide, while women had an 83 percent higher chance of having done the same.

Even when Fuller-Thomson adjusted for additional factors like parental abuse and addiction, which often accompany divorce, men still had twice the likelihood of having had suicidal thoughts. These findings suggest that divorce can have seriously adverse effects on children. We asked Esme Fuller-Thompson to help illuminate her study and its implications.

What was the most surprising finding of the study?

“We’re certainly not the first [group] to find a link between parental divorce and suicidal ideation. We were looking at gender differentiation – whether adult sons and adult daughters have different [responses]. Both men and women are at increased risk of suicidal ideation – at some time in their life they’ve seriously considered suicide. When you look at it carefully, and we had a big sample, what we found was that the association between parental divorce and suicidal ideation disappeared when I took out women who had also experienced parental addictions and abuse. But for men, the relationship still existed. Men who had experienced a parental divorce that had not been exposed to those other childhood factors still were at greater risk for suicidal ideation.”

Why might boys be more affected than girls?

“Probably loss of the male role model, the father figure. The majority of children of divorce are raised by their moms. There are a portion of children who have very limited contact with their dad. The loss of a male role model is very significant for young men who are developing their gender identities. When you look back at the general literature, that seemed to be the one that popped up, but we don't know for sure.”

Are there some differences between men and women generally in terms of suicidal thoughts?

“Women have higher rates of suicidal ideation, while men are more likely to complete suicide. They tend to take steps such as shooting or hanging themselves. Women will attempt, but with drugs where you can catch them if you get it in time. In the general population, whose parents haven't divorced, among males 5.5 percent had seriously considered suicide, among females 8.7 percent. But when I looked at men who've experienced parental divorce, I had 17.5 percent. For females it went to 17.5 percent too, but compared to norms, women had a higher baseline to start with.”

What’s the link between having divorced parents and exposure to other negative factors?

“Basically, parental divorces are higher if there’s an addicted parent, and childhood physical abuse is higher in blended families. The majority of children of divorce don’t become suicidal, or are exposed to these stresses, though they have a higher chance of exposure.”

What were some limitations of your study?

“We don’t have all the intense details I would like to have. Though the parents had to divorce before the kid was 18, though one would expect the timing of the divorce would affect their experience – we didn’t have access to that information, or things like, how much contact the child had with the father afterward, or when exactly the suicidal thoughts occurred.”

What can divorced parents take from this?

“I don’t want everyone to panic, every divorced mom to go into an apoplectic fit! The vast majority of divorced children have never been suicidal. It’s just one factor among many. You want it to be replicated many times before you really know what’s going on. It seems to indicate that health professionals should use this as one more screening tool, particularly among men, particularly if they’re depressed. We need to think a little more creatively about how to build resilience in children as they’re experiencing parental divorce.”

[from The Huffington Post, by Amy Lee]

8 Ways To Manage Your Stress

Life is full of stressors at home and on our jobs. Follow these simple tips, such as eating healthier and exercising, to reduce the stress in your life.

1. General Health - Practicing good basic health habits provides you with the energy you need to cope with stress, like: eating regular, nutritious meals, and limiting your intake of foods high in sugar and caffeine, since these can aggravate stress.

2. Good Nutrition - In addition to good nutrition, getting seven to nine hours of sleep every night will help your overall health.

3. Regular Exercise - Regular exercise is another important health habit -- walking, jogging, bicycling, aerobics. Any sport can help relieve muscle tension and release pent-up energy. In addition, exercise can make you feel good. It can help you think more clearly, and feel better about yourself.

4. Group Support - Another way to cope with stress is to develop a network of caring friends and relatives who will listen to problems, provide companionship, and simply be there when you need them.

5. Seek Professional Help if Needed - For major life changes or crises, professional help may be advisable. Call the Relationship Clinic for an appointment today.

6. Learn To Manage Stress In Healthy Ways - In our day-to-day lives, too often we become stressed-out by a world that heaps change on us. That’s why learning to manage stress in healthy ways is one of the most important things we can do to achieve a healthier, productive and rewarding life.

7. Make Time For Yourself - Making time for yourself for things you enjoy and find relaxing is as important as scheduling your time at work.

8. Take A Break From Everyday Routines - Time spent away from your everyday routine with family, friends, or even by yourself can help change your perspective on things.

[from Beliefnet]

Prayer Can Help Manage Anger and Sadness

While prayer has been practiced for millennia, a new study looks at the way individuals believe prayer can comfort during hard times.

The 75 percent of Americans who pray on a weekly basis do so to manage a range of negative situations and emotions — illness, sadness, trauma and anger.

However, the mechanism by which relief is accomplished has gone unconsidered by researchers.

Through the course of in-depth interviews with dozens of victims of violent relationships with intimate partners, Shane Sharp, a University of Wisconsin graduate student, gathered an array of ways prayer helped them deal with their situation and emotions through coping mechanisms such as venting.

Sharp’s interviewees represented a wide swath of the United States in geographic, educational and racial terms, and came largely from Christian backgrounds.

Those who were boiling with anger said they found “a readily available listening ear,” said Sharp, who explores how prayer helps manage emotional pain in the current issue of the journal Social Psychology Quarterly.

“If they vented their anger to that abusive partner, the result was likely to be more violence,” Sharp says. “But they could be angry at God while praying without fear of reprisal.”

During any interpersonal interaction, the participants are considering how they look through the other’s eyes. In the case of people who pray, they are considering God’s view.

“During prayer, victims came to see themselves as they believed God saw them. Since these perceptions were mostly positive, it helped raise their sense of self-worth that counteracted their abusers’ hurtful words,” Sharp said.

Prayer is also a handy distraction for some, Sharp’s study found. Simply folding hands and concentrating on what to say is a reprieve from the anxiety of an abusive relationship. The experience isn’t that much different from a conversation with a close friend or a parent, he said.

“I looked at the act of praying, of speaking to God, as the same as a legitimate social interaction,” Sharp said. “Instead of a concrete interaction you would have face-to-face with another person, prayer is with an imagined other.”

That’s not to diminish God’s role by considering him an imagined participant in a prayer, Sharp added.

“On the contrary, I wouldn’t expect prayer to have these benefits for people if they thought God wasn’t real,” he says. “The important point is that they believe God is real, and that has consequences for them emotionally and for their behavior.”

Yet, the consequences of prayer aren’t always positive.

“For some, through prayer they told me they learned to forgive their abusive partners, to let go of their anger and resentment,” Sharp said. “But that’s a double-edged sword. It’s good for those who are out of that violent relationship to let go of it to a certain extent. But if they’re still in their violent relationship, it may postpone their decision to leave, and that can be bad.”

That double-edged sword makes the mechanics of prayer an important topic for new research, according to Sharp. “Religion is often pointed to as a mostly positive or mostly negative thing,” he said. “It’s way more complicated than that.”

Many of those interviewed by Sharp said they believe in God, but don’t belong to a specific church.

“They still pray,” he says. “It’s the most common religious practice you can find. For that reason alone it deserves more attention, and I think future research should consider prayer as an interaction instead of a one-sided act.”

[Source: University of Wisconsin-Madison - By Rick Nauert PhD Senior News Editor - Reviewed by John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on December 15, 2010]

Depression Meds

There are many depression medications on the market. Here is a link, where you can read more about the different types. For many people, finding the right medication can be a complicated process. It usually requires trying several different medications or dosages to find what works best. It is a process that requires patience.

I would suggest further discussing this matter with your physician. If you are seeing a primary care physician, you may want to consider a psychiatrist instead (or in addition to). Primary care physicians commonly prescribe antidepressant medication to their patients but they are general practitioners. Mental health is not their specialty. Psychiatrists specialize in prescribing medication for psychiatric conditions. This is their area of expertise. Their specialized knowledge would be advantageous to you and may expedite the process of finding the right medication.

Medication does not always solve the issues. Medication will mask the symptoms, but only therapy will solve the cause.

Dealing With Alzheimer's

It's normal for our loved ones to become a bit forgetful as they age. So how can we separate a harmless "senior moment" from a more serious problem like Alzheimer's disease? One in eight people 65 and older have this devastating form of dementia. In its first stages, Alzheimer's may not be obvious to friends and family. But there are some early warning signs to watch for.

In early Alzheimer's, long-term memories usually remain intact while short-term memories become sketchy. Your loved one may forget conversations you had. He or she may repeat questions that were already answered. The disease also disrupts speech, so patients may struggle to remember common words.

In addition to memory loss, Alzheimer's can cause confusion and behavior changes. Your loved one may get lost in familiar places. Mood swings and poor judgment are also common, as is poor hygiene. People who once dressed with style may resort to wearing stained clothes and unwashed hair.

While it's difficult to face the possibility that a loved one could have Alzheimer's, it's better to consult a doctor sooner rather than later. First, the diagnosis might not be Alzheimer's after all. The symptoms could be caused by a highly treatable problem, such as a thyroid imbalance. And if it is Alzheimer's, today's treatments work best when they are used early in the course of the disease.

There is no simple test for Alzheimer's, so the doctor will rely on you to describe the changes in your loved one. A mental status test, sometimes called a "mini-cog," or other screening tests can help evaluate the patient's mental function and short-term memory. In addition, neurological exams and brain scans may be used to rule out other problems, such as a stroke or tumor — and they can help provide other information about the brain.

Alzheimer's disease leads to nerve cell death and tissue loss throughout the brain. As the disease progresses, brain tissue shrinks and the ventricles (chambers within the brain that contain cerebrospinal fluid) become larger. The damage disrupts communication between brain cells, crippling memory, speech, and comprehension.

Alzheimer's disease takes a different path in every patient. In some people the symptoms worsen quickly, leading to severe memory loss and confusion within a few years. In others, the changes may be more gradual with the disease taking 20 years to run its course. The average length of survival after a diagnosis of Alzheimer's is three to nine years.

Because Alzheimer's affects concentration, patients may lose the ability to manage ordinary tasks like cooking or paying the bills. A study suggests difficulty balancing a checkbook is often one of the first effects of Alzheimer's. As the symptoms worsen, your loved one may not recognize familiar people or places. He or she may get lost easily, or use utensils improperly, such as combing hair with a fork. Incontinence, balance problems, and loss of language are common in the advanced stages.

Poor coordination, memory loss, and confusion make for a dangerous combination behind the wheel. If you feel your loved one should not be driving, explain why. If he or she won't listen, ask the doctor to step in. If the patient still insists on driving, contact the Department of Motor Vehicles for an assessment. Then make an alternate plan for your loved one's transportation needs.

Exercise can help people with Alzheimer's maintain some muscle strength and coordination. It also improves mood and may reduce anxiety. Check with your loved one's doctor to learn which types of exercise are appropriate. Repetitive activities, such as walking, weeding, or even folding laundry may be the most effective at promoting a sense of calm.

As the caregiver of someone with Alzheimer's, you will probably wear many hats — cook, chauffeur, accountant. While you may have to handle the meal planning and finances, encourage the patient to do some activities independently. It may help to label cabinets with their contents and put up sticky notes with reminders of daily tasks. Be sure to buy a weekly pill box for medications.

In the early stages of Alzheimer's, patients often understand what is happening and may be ashamed or anxious. Watch for signs of depression because this can often be managed with medication. In the more advanced stages, your loved one may become paranoid or violent and could even turn on you. Remember that the disease is responsible for this change. Alert the doctor about violent behavior promptly.

Some people with Alzheimer's become distressed when the sun goes down. This agitation tends to last through the evening and sometimes all through the night. The cause is not known, but there are some strategies to ease the tension. Keep the house well lit and close the drapes before sunset. Try distracting your loved one with a favorite activity or TV show. And restrict caffeine after breakfast.

Many people with Alzheimer's have trouble remembering names — even those of close family members. A temporary fix is to put up pictures of friends and relatives with names printed underneath. Eventually, the patient may no longer recognize faces and may react to loved ones as if they are strangers. This can be a distressing time for family members, especially the primary caregiver.

Caring for someone with Alzheimer's can be physically and mentally taxing. Signs of caregiver stress include:

• Anger, sadness, and mood swings.

• Headaches or back pain.

• Difficulty concentrating.

• Difficulty sleeping.

To avoid caregiver burnout, make sure you take at least a few minutes to do something you enjoy every day. Stay in touch with friends and keep up with hobbies whenever possible. Find a friend or relative to be your support person. You can also join an online or local caregiver support group through the Alzheimer's Association.

While your loved one is still able to make important decisions, contact an attorney about drafting advance directives. These are legal documents that spell out the patient's preferences for medical treatments and end-of-life care. The patient should designate someone to make health care decisions and manage finances on his or her behalf. This can avoid confusion when your loved one is no longer able to state his or her wishes.

Many patients express a desire to stay in their own homes as long as possible. Unfortunately, they may have trouble getting dressed or using the bathroom on their own as the disease advances. A home health aide can assist with personal hygiene and other daily tasks. You can also look into local services that deliver meals or provide transportation to the elderly. Most communities have an Area Agency on Aging that provides such services.

There may come a day when your loved one can no longer be cared for at home. If he or she does not need 24-hour nursing care, an assisted-living facility may be an appropriate choice. ALFs provide housing, meals, and activities, but are much less expensive than nursing homes. Look for a facility with an Alzheimer's special care unit, which delivers 24-hour supervision and personal care to meet the needs of people with dementia.

People with advanced Alzheimer's may lose the ability to walk, talk, or respond to others. Eventually, the disease can hinder vital functions, such as the ability to swallow. Patients in this stage may benefit from hospice care, which provides pain relief and comfort for the terminally ill.

Children may feel confused, afraid, or even resentful when a family member is affected by Alzheimer's. Let the child know these feelings are normal and answer his or her questions about the illness honestly. Help the child celebrate happy memories of the patient — for example, by creating a scrapbook.

If you're caring for a relative with Alzheimer's, you might be wondering if there's anything you can do to reduce your own risk. Research in this area is ongoing, but diet and exercise appear key. Studies indicate a lower risk among people who eat a Mediterranean diet rich in vegetables, fish, and nuts. Research also suggests those who are the most physically active are the least likely to get Alzheimer's.

[Web MD]

Stop Stressing

1. Name the Beast – The first step in tackling any obsession: Identify the thought. What is my fear? What is my doubt? Describe it in one sentence, or in a few words. Name the fear: “I am afraid that if my co-workers find out that I was hospitalized with severe depression that they won’t respect me anymore, and they won’t assign me any projects.” There it is. There’s the beast. You named it, and by doing so, you can rob it of some of its power over you.

2. Find the Distortion – Once you have named the fear or doubt, try to see if you can file it under any of the forms of distorted thinking that Dr. David Burns describes in his bestseller “Feeling Good,” like all-or-nothing thinking, jumping to conclusions, magnification (exaggeration), or discounting the positive (ie “None of my accomplishments count”). Your obsession almost always involves at least three forms of distorted thoughts. So consider Burns’ ten ways of untwisting distorted thinking to help me to undermine my obsession.

3. Pencil It In – Simply tell yourself, “Sorry, it’s not time for that. You’ll have to wait until 8 in the evening, when I give you, My Head, 15 minutes to obsess your heart out.” Record in your journal everything you are dwelling on for 20 minutes every night: that you are a horrible mom, an inadequate writer, that no one likes you, and so on.

4. Laugh at It – Laughter can make almost any situation tolerable. And you have to admit, there is something a little funny about a broken record in your brain.

5. Snap Out of It – Literally snap out of it. Wear a rubber band around your wrist, and every time your thoughts turn to an obsession, snap the band as a reminder. Or, write your obsession on a piece of paper, then crinkle it up and throw it away. That way you have literally thrown out your obsession. Or you could try visualizing a stop sign. When your thoughts go there, remember to stop! Look at the sign!

6. Pull Over – One of the most helpful visualizations is to imagine that you are driving a car. Every time your thoughts revert back to an obsession, pull over on the shoulder, because your car is misaligned. It’s dragging right. Once you’ve stopped, ask myself: “Do I need to change anything?” Can I change anything? Can I amend this situation somehow? Do I have anything I need to do to find peace? Spend a minute asking the questions. Then, if you don’t have anything to fix, it’s time to get your car back on the road again. This is basically a visualization of the Serenity Prayer. Try to decipher between what you can’t change and what you can. Once you have made the distinction, it’s time to start driving again.

7. Learn the Lesson – We often obsess about our mistakes. I know I messed up, and I’m beating myself over and over again for not doing it right the first time, especially when I have involved other people and hurt them unintentionally. If that’s the case, ask yourself: What is the lesson here? What have I learned? Just like the first step – naming the obsession – describe the lesson in one sentence or less.

8. Forgive Yourself – After you take away the lesson, you have to forgive yourself. This is a hard one. Especially for perfectionists. And guess what? Perfectionists are natural ruminators. Julia Cameron writes about this in “The Artist’s Way:” “Perfectionism is a refusal to let yourself move ahead. It is a loop – an obsessive, debilitating closed system that causes you to get stuck in the details of what you are writing or painting or making and to lose sight of the whole. Instead of creating freely and allowing errors to reveal themselves later as insights, we often get mired in getting the details right. We correct our originality into a uniformity that lacks passion and spontaneity.” Forgiving yourself means concentrating on the insights gained from mistakes, and to let go of the rest.

9. Imagine the Worst – Imagining the worst can actually relieve the fear that’s triggering an obsession.

10. Put It on Hold – Sometimes we start to obsess about a situation for which we don’t have enough information. So it’s useless to worry. Therefore put your obsession “on hold,” like it was a pretty lavender dress at a boutique that you saw and wanted but didn’t have enough money to buy. So it’s there, waiting, when you get enough money – or enough data.

11. Dig for the Cause – So often the object of the obsession isn’t the real issue. That object or person or situation is masking the deeper issue we’re too afraid to face.

12. Reel It In – We all know how fast obsessions can take on a life of their own. A slight hitch in a project becomes a massive hurdle, a friendly gesture by a friend turns ugly and threatening, and a minor criticism from a colleague turns into a 150-page dissertation about your flaws and inadequacies – you know, everything that’s bad about you and why you shouldn’t get out of bed in the morning. Granted, buried within any obsession are usually pieces of truth. But other parts are way off in fantasyland – with about as much accuracy as there is in a juicy celebrity tabloid story: “Celine Dion meets ET for drinks.” That’s why you need some good friends that will help you separate fact from fiction.

13. Interrupt the Conversation – Here’s where a bad habit can come in handy. Are you always interrupting people? Can’t help it? You get curious about a detail in someone’s story, and you want to hear more about that, not the end of the story? That’s how an obsession works in your brain – like a conversation over coffee: “This is why he hates me, and this, too, is why he hates me, and did I mention why he hates me? I’m sure he hates me.” Practice some of your rude manners and interrupt. You don’t even have to say, “Excuse me.” Ask yourself a question or throw out another topic. By doing so, you catch the snowball as it’s accumulating matter, and you throw it back with momentum because, as most of us learned in physics, a body in motion stays in motion. Now your internal conversation goes something like: “These are the reasons he should like me, and this, too, is why he should like me, and did I mention that he probably likes me? I’m sure he likes me.”

14. Stay in the Present – When you are grounded in the moment, you’re not thinking of what bad things can happen to you in the future, or dwelling on the mistakes of your past. To get yourself into the present, start with your senses. Try to hear only the noises that surround tiy – cars, birds, dogs barking, church bells – because if you give yourself the assignment of listening to the actual sounds around you, you can’t obsess on a fear. Likewise, concentrate on seeing what’s in front of you. At the very moment. Not in the year 2034.

15. Give it Back to God – The last step is surrender, as usual. “Okay, God, I give up! Take the bloody obsession from me!” It’s acknowledging that the last 14 steps haven’t gotten you where you need to be, and so you don’t know what else to do but give your ruminating mind to God and let him deal with it. Obsessions are almost always rooted in our attachments. So if we can think of them as borrowed from God – that God alone is the owner of this thing about which we are obsessing – we tend to become less greedy and possessive with our gifts, material and otherwise. In this way, we are mere stewards of whatever God has graciously given us.