Q&A

(Q) - It was recently discovered that my wife has had a 2 year physical affair with another woman (her best friend). We have 4 children and have been married for 16 years. During this 2 year period, my wife and I have had no intimacy. My wife wants to stay in the marriage, but what is the likelihood that she can go from a same sex relationship to an opposite sex relationship just because she was caught? Also, she wants to remain friends with this other woman (if I allow it), is it likely that she will revert to the physical relationship with the other woman again?

(A) - I’m sure this is a very difficult time as you struggle to sort things out. But I think you are asking the wrong questions. Your wife has had an affair and the two of you haven’t been intimate for two years. The gender of the lover doesn’t matter. What matters is that you and your wife have let yourselves get so far apart. Neither one of you has been dealing with the sad state of your marriage. Your wife broke her vows and had an affair. You let two years go by without confronting the problem.

With 4 children to think about, it’s important to at least see if you can repair things. Get yourselves to an experienced couples counselor and do the hard work you need to do. You and your wife once loved each other enough to marry and bring 4 babies into the world. There may be enough of a core commitment left to pull back from this mess. As for whether your wife should stay friends with her lover, ask yourself this: What would you do if the friend was male? My guess is that you wouldn’t think twice about asking her to choose.

I wish you well.

[Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker]

Divorce IS Damaging To Children

The National Child Development Study in the U.K. tracks 17,000 people born in Britain during the same week in 1958. Comparing those individuals with those born years later, the study revealed those in both generations with divorced parents were more likely to suffer from depression and do poorer in school and careers than their peers.

They also were more likely to go through a divorce of their own. Jenny Tyree, associate marriage analyst at Focus on the Family Action, said the social acceptance of divorce doesn't change a child's need for a mom and a dad.

http://www.citizenlink.com/

Why So Much Stress?

Why do I feel the need to carry so much stress? What am I hiding from or covering up? What hole in my life am I trying to fill with stress?

Those are tough questions. But if you don’t deal with them, none of my stress-busting tips are going to do you any good—not for long, anyway. If you want to be free from stress, you have to learn to say no.

You have to pick the events and "yeses" that will yield the greatest reward in your life. Here’s an idea: next time you know your response should be no, don’t leave room for compromise.

When your stressed-out friend asks you to co-chair the graduation committee, don’t just say, “Let me think about it.” Instead say, “Right now, that’s impossible.” And shake your head from side to side as you say it.

Studies show that when you do that, the person you addressed is much more likely to hear no.

Even Jesus had to say no to those around him when it was time to be still and listen for the voice of God. Remember what happened after Jesus fed the five thousand? The people were so impressed that they were ready to make him their earthly king—by force if necessary. No doubt it was flattering to be asked. I know I would be very tempted to give in if somebody wanted to make me their king! But that wasn’t what Jesus was there to do. So instead of going along, saying yes, taking on one more thing, he “withdrew again to a mountain by himself” (John 6:15 NIV).

When the high-pitched whine of our earthly stress jams every signal around us, we not only lose perspective, we lose an opportunity to hear from our heart, from our loved ones and from God himself. Before you say your next “Yes!”, ask yourself if you are prepared to add the accompanying stress to your life.

I look at it this way: If the vessel is already full, where are you going to put that golden opportunity for success or for ministry when it finally arrives? You hear it every morning at the coffee shop: “Would you like room for cream?” Yeah, this time I would. Thanks.

[John Tesh]

Divorce Happens

Yes, divorce DOES happen, over and over again, and sometimes to the same individuals. But that doesn't have to be you!

No matter if this is your first marriage or third, no matter what your marriage's condition, no matter how impossible it seems . . . your marriage can saved, redeemed and transformed! Don't doubt.

ACT! See http://www.marriagerestored.com/ today.

Having Trouble Being Punctual?

For some people, showing up on time for a job interview, a dinner, a doctor's appointment or a wedding is nearly impossible. For those who know what I'm speaking about, you feel you're always running out the door in a frenzy and running behind.

Let's think together of the repercussions of showing up 10 to 15 minutes late to important destinations.

Know the Consequences of Showing Up Late

• Being late adds to your stress level. When you barge into a meeting behind schedule, you've infuriated the other attendees waiting for you . . . and you've put yourself in a stressed out mode. It should be no surprise to find that when you're late, you spend your first few minutes apologizing to the other participants and make them feel obligated to catch you up to date on the topic of discussion.
• Being late tears down your reputation. If you're chronically late, your co-workers or friends may feel they cannot trust or rely on you. Your relationships may suffer as people are fearful of making plans with you. Some individuals who are suffering with chronic pain and illness are in a different category as they do need extra time to be on time to an appointment. To make matters worse, rarely can you salvage your reputation by working later hours. Employees who are tardy are less likely to be promoted.

Check Out the Reasons Why You're Late. You may not like the reasons why you're usually running late, but you must face the truth.

• You're a risk-taker. Admit it . . . you like the thrill of leaving for your destinations at the last minute. You relish the rush of racing down the freeway, using shortcuts and making it to your location at the last second. According to a New York Times article, the risk-taker is also known as a deadliner since he enjoys the adrenaline rush of the sprint for the finish line. Oddly enough, people who are deadliners are also optimistic. They believe they can pick up their clothes at the laundry, make a deposit at the bank, buy groceries and drop off the kids at school in an hour. Now that's optimistic . . . but it's also a set up for being late.
• You don't want others to control you. Some people grew up in a home where lateness was never tolerated. Now as adults, they're rebelling against authority. They don't want others to try to run their lives by telling them to be on time.
• You slack off on your organizational skills. There are individuals who cannot pull it together. They have poor organizational skills. They struggle to pull together a schedule and often fail to calculate how long each of their tasks will take. They need help in organizing their lives and their time.

How Do I Stop Being Chronically Late?

• Decide you no longer want to be late. Spend time figuring out why you're late using the reasons I gave you above. But then start building time back into your life. Leave an extra fifteen minutes early for an appointment and bring a book or an article you can read while waiting for your appointment. Reward your promptness with something you enjoy reading.
• Clock how long it takes you to do certain tasks. The New York Times claims we often underestimate the amount of time our activities take by 25% to 30%. Therefore, figure out how long it takes you to do your tasks and plan accordingly.
• Never plan to just be on time, but plan to be early. Build in extra time when you know you'll be in transit because unexpected delays can take place. Plan to get to your destination early, not just on time. Be considerate when you're running late; if you know you are going to be late to a doctor's appointment or to your hairdresser, call ahead to see if they're running late as well. It may remove some stress you don't need to carry.
• Reward yourself for being on time. Spend time with a book or some to-do items while you're waiting for your appointment.

[John Tesh]

Older Brain Really May be a Wiser Brain

[by Sara Reistad-Long NYTimes.com]

When older people can no longer remember names, they tend to think that their brainpower is declining. But new research finds that aging adults' brains retain more data, making them better problem solvers...

[click to continue]

Stress is God's Alarm System for Off-Track Life Says Author

[By Jennifer Riley, Christian Post Reporter]

Stress is a sign that a Christian is living a different purpose than God intended, an author says in his new book.

“God uses stress as life’s great alarm system to alert us that we are living outside of our God-given purpose, which is to develop loving relationships,” said Michael Trillo, author of What Does God Really Want: How to Overcome Stress and Live the Promised Abundant Life.

He cites Matthew 22:34-40, where Jesus said the greatest commandment is to love God with all one’s heart, soul and mind, followed by loving one’s neighbor as oneself, as support for his claim that the purpose of a person’s life is to “develop loving relationships.”

Trillo acknowledges that everyone faces difficult situations, but some react by becoming completely stressed out, while others are able to remain completely content despite the circumstances.

“What's the difference? It's their internal state, not their external circumstances, that causes stress,” maintains Trillo, founder of Breakthrough Ministries Worldwide which helps people overcome fear and bitterness to live an “abundant” life.

He says stress when boiled down is caused by fear of a situation and bitterness toward people, which occur when people become separated from God.

“When all is said and done, why is it that Christians are just as stressed as the rest of the world, considering that we're serving a supernatural God?" Trillo asked.

The ministry leader contends that it is because Christians are living for “counterfeit purposes.”

In his book, Trillo explores the root cause of stress, explains the four most common counterfeit purposes, and looks at links between stress and one’s health using medical statistics.

“When we are stressed, society has taught us to: sleep more, eat more, buy more, watch TV, play video games, go to counseling, take medication, take a vacation, etc,” Trillo said. “This is like applying a band-aid to a broken bone. These solutions are temporary at best, each a form of a broken promise – a cheap and temporary promise of relief.”

Trillo urges Christians to overcome their stress by finding their God-given purpose in life.

Christian Counseling

As a general rule, both Christian counseling and secular counseling share the same desire to help people overcome their problems, find meaning and joy in life, and become healthy and well-adjusted individuals, both mentally and emotionally. Most counselors have graduate degrees and have spent years learning their craft.

The word "counseling" can have multiple meanings, including offering advice and encouragement, sharing wisdom and skills, setting goals, resolving conflict, etc. Counselors usually probe the past (whether the problem happened a week ago or during childhood) in an attempt to repair the present. Sometimes they explore possible affects of physical and chemical imbalances that can cause physiological problems. A major part of counseling is resolving and restoring conflicts between people.

Christian counseling is distinct from secular counseling. Christian counseling rises to another dimension. "In contrast to psychologically-integrated systems, Biblical counseling seeks to carefully discover those areas in which a Christian may be disobedient to the principles and commands of Scripture and to help him learn how to lovingly submit to God's will," reports the International Association of Biblical Counselors.

Christian counselors are able to do that because they have an absolute standard by which to measure their objectives and evaluate their counselee's lifestyle. They see the Bible as the source of all truth. 2 Timothy 3:16-17 says, "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work." The secular counselor uses a different standard. They use the latest psychological findings or societal norm. Christian counselors understand that the Bible has a lot of practical wisdom about human nature, marriage and family, human suffering, and so much more. By using biblical concepts in counseling, they can instruct people in the way they should go and also hold them accountable. Psalm 119:24 says, "Your statutes are my delight; they are my counselors."

Although Christian counselors often use skills from the field of secular psychology and counseling, they recognize that the Bible is the final authority. "His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness" (2 Peter 1:3). A Christian counselor's major strategy is to help their clients substitute biblical truth for error as they go about their day-to-day lives. They know that the truth, when known, believed, and obeyed, sets people free. When people are set free, they are fulfilling their true calling. "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free" (John 8:32).

Pastoral Counseling

Pastoral counseling is a branch of counseling in which ordained ministers, rabbis, priests and others provide therapy services.

Only 6 states license the title "Pastoral Counselor": Arkansas, Kentucky, Maine, New Hampshire, North Carolina, and Tennessee. In many other states Pastoral Counselors may qualify for licensure as Marriage and Family Therapists or as Professional Counselors.

It is often synonymous with pastoral care.

How To Prevent Burnout

According to a London Daily Mail poll, more than half of those reading this right now are completely burned out on the job. How can you tell if you're burned out?

If you have lost that satisfied feeling at work and don't even revel in your own job accomplishments, there might be a problem. Are your coworkers asking if everything is okay with you? Have they noticed you acting depressed or even moody on the job? Have you been snapping at everyone?

Here's a telltale sign of work burnout: the minute you return from a vacation, the joy, happiness, and relaxation you felt are instantly gone, and you can't even manage to come back from lunch on time.

Another sign: procrastination is your new middle name.Dr. Alan Shelton, author of Transforming Burnout, studies worker burnout. He notes that you shouldn't feel alone if you're feeling this particular burn. Some three-quarters of all workers are hit with this feeling from time to time.

According to Dr. Shelton, vacations, days off, new hours and outside interests don't always help.

Professional counselors can help, especially if you're a workaholic who is stressed out by a desire for everything to be perfect all of the time.

The important thing is to find balance between work and other pursuits. Then work isn't the only focus. Dr. Shelton also suggests the following:

• Get a physical to rule out more serious health problems.
• Take care of the spiritual side of life. It will give you focus. Meditation and prayer can help with burnout because they take the focus off work. Make relaxation a priority in your life.
• Remind yourself that each morning is a new day to be appreciated. On the way to work find two or three things that make you happy, even if it's just a beautiful forest preserve on the side of the road or watching your kids.
• Exercise helps beat job burnout.
• Sleep helps beat job burnout.

[Research by John Tesh]

Sleep Better

Besides prescription and over-the-counter sleep aids, try these easy solutions for a good night's sleep:

Start by exercising more. Experts tell us if you want to get a good night's sleep, you need to have a good day's workout. Why would exercise help you sleep better? Exercise places physical stress on the body, and the brain responds by increasing the amount of time we spend in deep sleep.

Avoid eating one to two hours before crawling into bed. It is difficult to stay asleep if you your body is trying to digest the food you ate for your late night snack.

Avoid napping during the day. This can make it more difficult for you to fall asleep at night. You may be creating a vicious cycle, as a lack of nighttime sleep leads to the need for daytime naps.

Reduce your levels of stress. Be sure to have an active social life, interesting hobbies and anything else you can do to give yourself a sense of well-being. You want to go to sleep at night without having excessive worries and depression. Counseling can help.

Husband Appreciation Day

You've heard of Mother's Day, Father's Day, and even Grandparents' Day. But did you know there's a Husband Appreciation Day?

The third Saturday of April (this year, April 19) has been designated a day for wives to reflect on the various ways their spouse enriches their lives.Some ways to show your appreciation:

• Bring him his favorite breakfast in bed
• Treat him to a day of fun (movies, mini-golf, hiking)
• Take over some items from his "to-do" list
• Dine at his favorite restaurant

Still stumped? Ask him, "If you were crowned king for a day, what would your perfect day look like?" (Warning: Be prepared to make it happen!)