Threats to Christian Marriage

Threats to the Christian Marriage
Wednesday September 3, 2008

at 12:00 pm CT on
Blogtalk radio The Marriage Corner with Dr Barbara

It is not hard to see there are many things happening in today's society which pose a threat to marriage the way God intended it to be.
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Do I Really Love My Partner?

According to psychologist Dr. Petra Boynton from University College in London, if the answer to the question “Do I really love my mate?” isn’t a whole-hearted YES, don’t panic. Most people will answer “Yes, but . . .”

And it’s what follows that "but" that determines whether or not your relationship is solid. If you answer something like “Yes, but I need more space,” or “Yes, but I hardly ever see him”—you’ve pinpointed your problem and you can work on fixing it.

If, on the other hand, your answer is “Yes, but she’s always criticizing me,” or “Yes, but he’s always looking at other women,” you’re talking about problems that are not so contained. The two of you probably need to get help from a counselor to get things sorted out.

And if you answer no? If you’re talking about someone you’re dating, you might need to move on. If you’re talking about your spouse, go straight to a counselor — call for an appointment today — and get this sorted out!

256-418-0620
The Relationship Clinic

Divorce Happens

Yes, divorce DOES happen, over and over again, and sometimes to the same individuals. But that doesn't have to be you!

No matter if this is your first marriage or third, no matter what your marriage's condition, no matter how impossible it seems . . . your marriage can saved, redeemed and transformed! Don't doubt.

ACT! See http://www.marriagerestored.com/ today.

Husband Appreciation Day

You've heard of Mother's Day, Father's Day, and even Grandparents' Day. But did you know there's a Husband Appreciation Day?

The third Saturday of April (this year, April 19) has been designated a day for wives to reflect on the various ways their spouse enriches their lives.Some ways to show your appreciation:

• Bring him his favorite breakfast in bed
• Treat him to a day of fun (movies, mini-golf, hiking)
• Take over some items from his "to-do" list
• Dine at his favorite restaurant

Still stumped? Ask him, "If you were crowned king for a day, what would your perfect day look like?" (Warning: Be prepared to make it happen!)

How healthy is your family?

How is your family doing relationally? Ask yourself these questions:

1. Am I closer to my spouse today than I was a year ago?
2. Have I read God’s word with my family this week?
3. Have I prayed with each member of my family this week?
4. Do my children know they come before the people in the church?
5. Are my children joyfully experiencing Christ at church or do they resent the church?
6. Does my spouse feel close to me spiritually?
7. If my spouse could have me change one thing about me, what would it be? (Why haven’t I changed in this way? What am I going to do about it?)
8. Are we honoring the Sabbath as a family?
9. Do my wife and kids enjoy being around me?
10. Can my family clearly articulate our family values and vision?

If you need help, contact the Relationship Clinic at 256-418-0620.

Why is my marriage in trouble?

In my experience, it has to do with one or more of the following issues:

1. Unrealistic Expectations - When a person goes into a marriage thinking the following… there is trouble on the way… “I know he/she isn’t exactly what I want right now – but marriage will change them.” (Hint – if you aren’t ready to commit to them as they are – DON’T COMMIT!) “This person will make me happy.” “I know he/she cheats on me now, but when we get married they will stop.” “I know he/she talks to me like I am garbage right now, but when we get married they will see the value in me.” “We’re going to have sex ALL OF THE TIME!” (Singles – marriage is about A LOT more than just sex!)
2. Ignoring The “Gut Check” Before The Marriage - I have counselled with lots of people who have unfortunately experienced divorce – and nearly every single one of them, when I pressed down on the issue, has said that they knew before they got married that they should not have – but wanted to go ahead and go through with it to save themselves from the embarrassment. If you KNOW it’s wrong – better a little embarrassment now than a lot of pain later.
3. Unwillingness To Work Through Issues - Married couples have their issues – that is just the way it is; however, the people you know that have strong marriages work through their issues. They talk honestly and openly with one another–they hold true to Ephesians 4:26-29. Once again – they talk TO ONE ANOTHER, not ABOUT ONE ANOTHER. They don’t go to their Bible study, accountability partner to bash their spouse … they sit down like a real man and woman and work it out!
4. The Other Person Becomes Unimportant - When work, hobbies or the kids replace the importance of the spouse then bad times are sure to follow. It’s work … but the marriage MUST remain the most important relationship on the planet.
5. The Greener Grass Syndrome - When a man/woman begins looking at “other options” and fantasizing about them – THAT is always trouble. The line between fantasy and reality become blurred … and often lines are crossed because a person will think, “I’ve done it wrong in this marriage … but he/she is my chance to start over and it will be wonderful.”
   Hey, guess what – the grass IS greener on the other side – but ONLY because it happens to be over the septic tank!
6. Money - I have seen more couples have the dumbest arguments over money. A couple will “fall in love” with each other and then “fall in love” with stuff, thus going out and accumulating debt in massive amounts so that they can have in three years what it took their parents 30 years to accumulate! If a couple isn’t doing the budget thing and having honest discussions about financial priorities – it WILL wreak havoc on the marriage.
7. Church/Godly Influences Are Pushed Out Of Their Lives - I’ve seen it so many times … a couple will be doing wonderful … involved in church, establishing solid friendships – until, one of them (usually the man) gets “busy” with work … the lady tries to hang in there without him for a while – but eventually become discouraged and gives up. Next thing you know they have absolutely NOTHING in common and wind up being strangers sleeping in the same bed. There is something absolutely amazing about connecting on a spiritual level – going to church and praying together, having godly friends that will encourage and support you. I just don’t think we were called to do life alone. (Hebrews 10:24-25.)

What Every Marriage Needs

Here are some of my relationship favorites - a few small things that every marriage needs:

• A photograph of the two of you. Not a family photo . . . no in-laws. Just the two of you. Experts recommend using a picture that is less than five years old. No kids. No wedding photos. Ideally it’s a photo of the two of you doing something goofy. Yvonne knows I love having photos of the two of us all over the house. I especially love the one from last summer that shows us wiping out in the waves together at the beach. I even have that one on my computer screensaver. Every time you see your special photograph you will be reminded of your commitment to remaining a couple.
• An inside joke. Without a sense of humor, your relationship will never survive. Your inside joke needs to be something very personal. Perhaps it’s a secret word for something, or a weird nickname. And this is important: it should make no sense to anyone but the two of you. Marriage counselors will tell you that when you share something that’s just between the two of you, it connects you.
• A fair fight. Healthy disagreements should actually be a staple of your relationship. I know it sounds strange, but most experts I have interviewed agree that “no fighting” usually means that there are unresolved issues that will eventually explode. The key to a truly successful fight is to avoid sentences that begin with the word “you” — and never to sling insults. I’ve caught myself many times breaking the you rule, as in “you always” . . . or “you never . . . " That’s never productive. It’s always harmful. If your goal is to solve a relationship disagreement try using we instead of you. For example,resist the temptation to say “You never help around the house," say instead, “I think we have a problem with getting all the chores done. Can you help me come up with a plan that we can use?"

What To Tell Kids About Divorce

Divorce is extremely rough on adults. Can you imagine its impact on kids? In fact, there’s an estimated 1,075,000 children involved in divorced families. So what do you say and not say to kids when parents dissolve their marriage? Here’s some practical help.

• Define divorce for your kids. You can help your child by telling them the truth about your divorce instead of hiding it.
• Explain that divorce takes place after a husband and wife decide they can no longer live together and no longer want to be married.
• Make sure your kids don’t think you’re divorcing them. From A Kid’s Guide to Divorce we learn children need to know that because their father is divorcing their mother, it does not mean he’s divorcing them as well. Even if the child lives with one parent, the parent who lives somewhere else is still that kid’s mom or dad only.
• Tell your kids they cannot cause a divorce. Too many kids think they’re the cause of the divorce: if only they had better grades, had behaved better or helped more around the house, they could have kept their parents together. Make this perfectly clear to the kids: divorce is between moms and dads only.
• Remind your kids they cannot fix a divorce. Your children may wish for you and your spouse to get back together or try some things to make it work, like acting like an angel at home to make mom and dad happy. That does not mean they will get back together.
• Consult the various divorce sites concerning kids. Kids in the Middle is a non-profit organization that provides counseling, education and support for kids and families whose parents divorced. Bonus Families is a site offering kids and their families a place to go to share divorce experiences. Kids’ Divorce Help Page is one child’s view on how he made it through his parent’s divorce.Help your child through your divorce. For peace of mind pay attention to these tips on how you can help your kids through the divorce process.
• Listen quietly. Children have questions and feelings about their parent’s divorce. Many parents have a hard time listening to their children talk without wanting to interrupt. Children need to be heard.
• Reassure your children of personal safety. Kids are concerned once their parents divorce there will not be a place for them to live or enough food or clothing.
• Don’t put your child in the middle . It is wise not to say anything negative about your ex within ear-shot of your child. Children must be able to love both parents. If there is information you feel you must know, go to your spouse and ask them directly and not through your child.
• Make sure the kids know both parents love them. Just because dad and mom don’t have the same feelings of love for each other, that does not mean the kids are not loved.
• Let them know who they will be living with. Keep the kids informed on any details that include them. Of course, how detailed you are about what is taking place depends on their age.
• No blame should be assigned to either parent for the separation. It isn’t healthy for a child to think there is a good parent and a bad a parent.