What Every Marriage Needs

Here are some of my relationship favorites - a few small things that every marriage needs:

• A photograph of the two of you. Not a family photo . . . no in-laws. Just the two of you. Experts recommend using a picture that is less than five years old. No kids. No wedding photos. Ideally it’s a photo of the two of you doing something goofy. Yvonne knows I love having photos of the two of us all over the house. I especially love the one from last summer that shows us wiping out in the waves together at the beach. I even have that one on my computer screensaver. Every time you see your special photograph you will be reminded of your commitment to remaining a couple.
• An inside joke. Without a sense of humor, your relationship will never survive. Your inside joke needs to be something very personal. Perhaps it’s a secret word for something, or a weird nickname. And this is important: it should make no sense to anyone but the two of you. Marriage counselors will tell you that when you share something that’s just between the two of you, it connects you.
• A fair fight. Healthy disagreements should actually be a staple of your relationship. I know it sounds strange, but most experts I have interviewed agree that “no fighting” usually means that there are unresolved issues that will eventually explode. The key to a truly successful fight is to avoid sentences that begin with the word “you” — and never to sling insults. I’ve caught myself many times breaking the you rule, as in “you always” . . . or “you never . . . " That’s never productive. It’s always harmful. If your goal is to solve a relationship disagreement try using we instead of you. For example,resist the temptation to say “You never help around the house," say instead, “I think we have a problem with getting all the chores done. Can you help me come up with a plan that we can use?"

Today's Quote

"The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another." ~ William James

What Are You Willing To Do To Be Happy?

Dr. Robert Holden, author of “Happiness Now” says chronic complainers like Reggie actually live in fear of happiness. Their condition—which he dubs “happy-chondria”—is based on a belief that any happiness carries an eventual fall and price.

Dr. Holden says the key to being happy is overcoming “destination addiction,” which he defines as “living in the not-now.” “It’s always about tomorrow, so you’re chasing ‘more,’ ‘next’ and ‘there,’” he says. “You promise yourself that when you get there, you’ll be happy. And I promise you, you won’t, because you’ll always set another destination to go for.” Instead, Dr. Holden says if you are unhappy with your life or looking to improve your score on the satisfaction test, there are two things you can do. “We have to learn to let go of our past, we have to give up all hopes for a perfect past. Let the past go, it’s gone.” After that, he says, “Take a vow of kindness. Be kinder to yourself and to others. “It’s never too late to be happy,” he says.

More here...

Controling Your Anger

The first step is to recognize that your anger is a problem. There are healthy reactions to frustrating situations and there are unhealthy reactions. Throwing things, hitting walls and hurting yourself are examples of unhealthy or inappropriate reactions. These are inappropriate reactions for many reasons but mainly because none of these will help you solve your problem and only serve to make the situation worse.

It is important to ask yourself what good comes out of acting the way you did. Did it solve anything? Did it change the fact that your brother destroyed your room? Did your mother give back your cell phone? Or, did your behavior make the situation worse in that you helped to further destroy your room with your damage to the walls?

A better way to deal with anger is to try to remain calm and even-tempered in every situation. Ideally, one should strive to be emotionally neutral in most situations. This is easier said that done but with practice you can learn to not overreact. If it is not possible to talk calmly with family members about your issues, seek professional counseling. You can learn strategies for dealing with difficult or frustrating situations so that you do not resort to hitting walls or hurting yourself.

It is possible that no one has taught you or modeled for you how to deal with anger and this in turn makes it difficult for you to know how to act. You can learn to change and react more appropriately but you might need someone to teach you. Try asking your parents (when you are feeling calm and rational) to help you learn how not to overreact and if you cannot talk to them, ask the school counselor.

What To Tell Kids About Divorce

Divorce is extremely rough on adults. Can you imagine its impact on kids? In fact, there’s an estimated 1,075,000 children involved in divorced families. So what do you say and not say to kids when parents dissolve their marriage? Here’s some practical help.

• Define divorce for your kids. You can help your child by telling them the truth about your divorce instead of hiding it.
• Explain that divorce takes place after a husband and wife decide they can no longer live together and no longer want to be married.
• Make sure your kids don’t think you’re divorcing them. From A Kid’s Guide to Divorce we learn children need to know that because their father is divorcing their mother, it does not mean he’s divorcing them as well. Even if the child lives with one parent, the parent who lives somewhere else is still that kid’s mom or dad only.
• Tell your kids they cannot cause a divorce. Too many kids think they’re the cause of the divorce: if only they had better grades, had behaved better or helped more around the house, they could have kept their parents together. Make this perfectly clear to the kids: divorce is between moms and dads only.
• Remind your kids they cannot fix a divorce. Your children may wish for you and your spouse to get back together or try some things to make it work, like acting like an angel at home to make mom and dad happy. That does not mean they will get back together.
• Consult the various divorce sites concerning kids. Kids in the Middle is a non-profit organization that provides counseling, education and support for kids and families whose parents divorced. Bonus Families is a site offering kids and their families a place to go to share divorce experiences. Kids’ Divorce Help Page is one child’s view on how he made it through his parent’s divorce.Help your child through your divorce. For peace of mind pay attention to these tips on how you can help your kids through the divorce process.
• Listen quietly. Children have questions and feelings about their parent’s divorce. Many parents have a hard time listening to their children talk without wanting to interrupt. Children need to be heard.
• Reassure your children of personal safety. Kids are concerned once their parents divorce there will not be a place for them to live or enough food or clothing.
• Don’t put your child in the middle . It is wise not to say anything negative about your ex within ear-shot of your child. Children must be able to love both parents. If there is information you feel you must know, go to your spouse and ask them directly and not through your child.
• Make sure the kids know both parents love them. Just because dad and mom don’t have the same feelings of love for each other, that does not mean the kids are not loved.
• Let them know who they will be living with. Keep the kids informed on any details that include them. Of course, how detailed you are about what is taking place depends on their age.
• No blame should be assigned to either parent for the separation. It isn’t healthy for a child to think there is a good parent and a bad a parent.

Addicted to Stress?

At a time in my life when I could barely stay on top of my hectic schedule, I realized how addicted to stress I was. I also learned what I could do to make necessary changes to my lifestyle.

A friend of mine once said, “It’s much easier to stay out of temptation than it is to get out.” It’s the same with stress. Stay away. Think—really think—to yourself, "Is this stress really worth it?" Some stress is necessary and good, of course.

Any way you cut it, there is stress involved in being a parent. The rewards of raising healthy, happy kids are well worth a little stress; that’s a trade-off we’re willing to make. But not everything that stresses you out is worth the cost. And some good and worthwhile things — even parenting — cause more stress than they have to ... Click to read more.

Winter Time Blues

For years now, I have watched people suffer from what I term the winter time blues. Instead of making life more relaxing and less stressful, they just add more stress.

One client recently told me, "Last year I started a new job the day before Thanksgiving. The whole rest of November and December were terrible. Partly because of the circumstances of the job itself and partly because it was that time of the year. I made it through and still have the same job, now love it and am doing great. This year I adopted a Lab pup from my daughter who bought it for my grandson and they then decided it was too much trouble. It is a sweetheart, but of course trying to train it is a challenge. I think it too, like the job, will be fine by the time my winter funk runs its course, so I'm not going to give up on it. However, next year I will be keeping my life as stress free as possible from November to February, if at all possible. I hate this feeling of fatigue and nervous stomach all the time and the blah feeling. I am just looking for some advice, support, and encouragement."

If you are experiencing the winter time blues, make an appointment at the Relationship Clinic for therapy.

How Can I Stop Cutting?

Cutting is dangerous and at the very least, unhealthy. Despite this, in the absence of actual coping skills, many people cut themselves, young people especially. Many people cut for the same reasons, they hurt, they feel numb and there is little or no help available. People say that cutting helps release their emotional pain. It lets them know that they are … "still alive” … and can feel something.

Cutting is a sign that someone needs help. If the immediate family is unable to help sufficiently, professional treatment can help. Talk to either your school counselor or a trusted adult family friend. Tell them how much you are suffering and that sometimes you cut yourself to feel better.

There are better and more appropriate ways to deal with your emotional pain and hopefully, when you inform the school counselor or a family friend, they can steer into the appropriate treatment. Inform someone of your cutting immediately.

Professional help is available.

Don't Let Money Issues Tear Your Relationship Apart

They say money can’t buy love, but it CAN tear a relationship apart. Here are three ways to put a stop-payment on your money bickering, so you can start saving for your future. These come from Psychologist Dr. Jonathan Rich, who wrote the book: The Couple’s Guide To Love And Money.

• Create 3 bank accounts. Start with separate “his” and “hers” accounts. Then add a third “ours” account. Dr. Rich says that’ll be the one you use to cover shared expenses – like the mortgage, utilities, and food. If one of you makes more than the other – make the “ours” account the same percentage of your total pay so it’s fair. Then use your individual accounts for personal fun. That way neither of you will feel deprived if one of you wants to splurge.
• Stay focused on your long-term goals. Sailors are told to fight sea-sickness by staring at the distant horizon. That way their brain can focus on something stable, instead of the objects bobbing up and down in the water close by. Dr. Rich says that advice applies to money too. Bickering over small day-to-day expenses will strain your relationship. Instead, concentrate on the big picture. Sit down and map out some long-term goals – like saving to buy a house. Then after you agree on a plan, check in with each other only ONCE a month, to make sure you’re still on course.
• Always share the wealth. It’s normal for men to thrive on competition, but rivalries have NO place in a marriage. If one of you gets a raise at work, consider it a raise for BOTH of you. Don’t stress out over who’s the bigger breadwinner! So if one of you gets a holiday bonus this year, Dr. Rich says cheer each other on. Don’t turn it into a competition between you because that’s one competition you’ll lose, even if you win.

Dealing With Depression and Holiday Stress

Balancing the demands of shopping, family obligations, and house guests may leave you feeling overwhelmed and stressed. And stress itself can cause feelings of depression.

Try these 19 tips to beat holiday stress.

Suicide On The Rise Among Middle-Aged Americans

ATLANTA (AP) - The suicide rate for middle-aged Americans has climbed to its highest point in at least 25 years, in what's being described as an unrecognized tragedy.

One researcher says the age group is often overlooked. Suicide prevention programs tend to focus on teenagers, and many researchers only study suicide in the elderly.

The numbers in a new government report show suicides rose about 20% between 1999 and 2004 for Americans between 45 and 54. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control says that far outpace the increases for younger adults.

Experts don't know why middle-age suicides are on the rise.

The overall number of suicides is holding steady. Thirty-two thousand Americans take their own lives every year.

[Copyright 2007 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.]

Teen Birth Rate Rises

The nation's teen — 15-19 age group — birth rate has risen for the first time in 17 years, according to a new government report. A government statistician Wednesday reported that it had jumped three percent from 2005 to 2006.